The Clear Thinker

Thursday???

2006-11-30T14:15:00.000-05:00

Thursday? Huh? Where did the time go?

Apparently I've been spending too much time on Perezhilton.com.

I wish I was half as Fagulicious!

Funny how someone so homofabulous could spend so much time focusing on Britney Spears vagina!!!

Wilkomen!

2006-11-27T10:57:00.000-05:00

Welcome back from the Thanksgiving Holiday, A.K.A. The Official Start of Christmas!
You thought Christmas was a one day holiday, right? We'll unfortunately for you Christmas has become a holiday that celebrates itself for a good month, if not longer. It may be the warm weather this year, but I've noticed that more people have their Christmas decorations up already than ever before. To this I say: good!
Christmas brings out the best in people and you can always tell in the stores and around the office when people are in a holiday mood. As far as I am concerned, the more of this the better!
Heck, I'm cutting this post short so I can wrap presents! Merry Christmas Season!

Hump Day

2006-11-22T16:57:00.000-05:00

It is Wednesday.

Hump Day.

Enjoy the Picture.

Passports Away!

2006-11-21T14:17:00.000-05:00

I visited the local post office and filed for a new passport, something I haven't needed until this point because I haven't traveled outside the U.S. except for brief incursions into Canada and New Mexico.
Somehow, I expected filing for a passport would be as equally frustrating as a trip to the local license branch, but I was actually quite impressed with the quality of service and speed. So: I use this forum to give a shout out to the Post Office for doing something with an expected level of customer service. Yeah!

The Death of David Blaine

2006-11-20T10:47:00.000-05:00

Via IMDB: David Blaine will spend two days in a spinning gyroscope before attempting to escape from shackles in his latest public stunt. The illusionist revealed his new plans for the New York stunt, which begins later this month, at a press conference on Friday. The 33-year-old will be locked spread eagle into a gyroscope before being dangled 50 feet above Times Square in New York. Blaine will be spun up to eight times every minute for two days, after which he will begin his attempt to escape. Adding more difficulty to the stunt, the 'open' gyroscope will leave Blaine exposed to the harsh New York winter. He says, "Just to make it more difficult on myself, I added a motor (to the gyroscope), so even when I'm sleeping there'll be continuous movement... I think I'm going to have to stay awake the whole time. This one's exciting for me. This one's a fun one." The charity stunt will benefit The Salvation Army.
Okay, am I the only one who believes this is going to kill David Blaine? Seriously, can you imagine what being spun around in a gyroscope for 2 days straight would do to your cardio system? I hope it rains the whole time as well so that this is like a masochistic version of waterboarding.
I for one will laugh when David Blaine falls flat on his face the moment he attempts to get out of this contraption. What a fool.

Not-So-Secret Crush

2006-11-17T10:06:00.000-05:00

I have this major crush on Toni Braxton. Don't ask me why. Ever since that song "Your Making Me High" (was that the name?) I've just thought she was awesome.
But, I don't hide this fact from my wife, I embrace it! I would say she finds a significant amount of humor in it.
Now, the reason she finds it funny is because there is no way in god's earth that I will ever even meet Toni Braxton, let alone catch her eye. Therefore: the crush is funny and acceptable.
She has a crush on Jake Gyllenhal. Equally humorous.
Now, if we had crushes on people in our daily lives, this would be bad. So we don't.
Lesson: Celebrity crush okay, real people crush bad.
Now, if I was a celebrity that would change everything...

Password Protection

2006-11-16T10:34:00.000-05:00

It drives me nuts when you have to choose a password for signing into something, and they let you know how "difficult" your password is. Personally, I always choose something that is considered "easy" but has no relation to me whatsoever. I laugh at the people that pick their address or phone number, but certainly finding an unrelatable word is just as good as a series of numbers, right?
For instance, for the longest time my father used the word "cantaloupe" as his password. No one, and I mean no one, would have guessed this as his password, but he could remember it simply out of the oddity it carried.
So, is there a problem with doing this? Are there really programs out there that are going to nail us for using "easy" passwords?
If anything, I imagine that the use of these ridiculous passwords does nothing more than cause an excessive amount of password changes because no one can ever remember their password! Sheesh!

G.O.W.

2006-11-15T18:11:00.000-05:00

Gears of War came out for the XBOX 360 last week, and I've been spending the day playing the hell out of it with a friend. You know it is a good game when you beat it, and then immediately up the difficulty and begin to play through it again.
So: from now on that will be my standard for when a game is "good." If you beat the game and then immediately decide to replay it on a harder setting, you must have enjoyed the experience enough to want to do it again.
Must...go...play...

Quick Notes

2006-11-14T12:49:00.000-05:00

Okay, I think my shirts have holes there because I have a nervous habit of pulling at them from that specific location. I didn't realize it until late yesterday. What do you do once you realize you have a nervous habit? Disturbing to say the least.

Mystery Friday: Monica Belluci!!!

FedEx: He claims there is a sex tape. I would just like to publicly encourage him here to release the tape, because he'll make more money off of it than he'll ever get out of Britney! Seriously, How many copies will that tape sell! I'm talking millions people, millions!

Note: Adriana Lima on Tuesday because Alessandro tricked her way into the blog Monday! Ooo La La!

Simple Clothes = ?

2006-11-13T07:35:00.000-05:00

I'm the first to admit that I'm a t-shirt and jeans kind of guy. That isn't to say I don't own a significant amount of business casual and dressy clothing, but if someone says, "hey, let's go out," I am more likely to put on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt than anything else.
So, my problem is that I've been running through the same general cycle of t-shirts for quite a few years now. For some odd reason all my t-shirts are developing holes in the exact same spot on the upper part of my chest, more like just below my neck. Does anyone else have this problem?
I used to get holes in the armpits, which can be disconserting when you have to raise your hand for anything, but lately that problem has gone away in favor of the hole-in-chest problem.
In the words of Britney Spears: "Huh?"
Speaking of El' Britney, Did I not call the impending doom of BritFed or what? I knew Britney's trist with Afroman was the beginning of the end!
Item 2 (or is it 3 now?): Why is it that when I searched for "Adriana Lima Jeans" I received a picture of Alessandro Ambrosio? Not that I am complaining or anything, but truth in advertising, please!
Item 4: Women look great in jeans, but almost always better out of them.

Words of wisdom, people. Wisdom to start the new week.

Mystery Actress Friday

2006-11-10T08:11:00.000-05:00

Sam Jackson called this lovely actress the "sexiest woman alive." For serious underrated and underused actress bonus points, name her!

B-5 Day

2006-11-09T07:39:00.000-05:00

In the Clear Thinker household today it is just me, three cats, a guinea pig, and an all day Babylon 5 marathon! Oh Yeah!
Now, this doesn't mean I'm subjecting myself to eight hours of couch-sitting delight, no quite the opposite. I'll be working all day on a variety of projects (including Mrs. Clear Thinker's honey-do list, ahem) and doing everything but focusing on Babylon 5.
However, I work better when there is something going on besides just me and the project I'm working on.
However again, I can't stand to sit here while typical daytime television shouts at me, as much as we all love Kelly Ripa.
Kelly Ripa. Oh Yeah!

Sublime

2006-11-08T07:05:00.000-05:00

This picture is of Saturn, with the sun directly behind it, taken from the far side of our solar system, looking inward.

If you look at the 10 o'clock position, just inside the outermost ring, you'll see a small white dot that looks like a star.

That's Earth.

Feel small yet?

Election Day

2006-11-07T11:07:00.000-05:00

It's election day in the U.S. Hoorah.

Can you feel my enthusiasm? Frankly, I think I feel like most Americans and am just sick of the nonsense brought on my the nearly continuous cycle of politicing and "representatives" that don't care about anything more than being re-elected.

I've got a suggestion to fix the system: only people who pay taxes vote. If you don't pay any money to the government, you only receive it, you aren't allowed to vote to continue your own entitlement.

Is this an extreme idea?

What is Your Price?

2006-11-06T01:23:00.000-05:00

Jessica Alba has never posed nude. In fact, she has spent thousands, if not millions, fighting the distribution of fake nude photos of her. She is principled in this stance. I commend her for it.
Cindy Margolis has never posed nu...oh, crap. Now you've gone and done it Cindy. I'm not sure how much Playboy paid you for your first ever nude photo spread, but I'm sure in the twilight of your career you decided it would be a great way to maximize your earning potential. After all, how much longer can a 40-something continue to make a career as a PG-13 model?
Okay, pretty damn long if she looks as good as she does in the recent issue of Playboy.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not criticizing people who pose nude. In fact, I am all in favor of pop princesses, supermodels, and A-list, B-list, and C-list (or lower) female celebrities posing in the pages of Playboy. What drives me nuts, however, is when you've someone who makes a dramatic effort to avoid any kind of nude publicity, and then, one day, probably because of money, up and decides it is suddenly an empowering thing to do.
Let's be honest: this was about money. If Cindy really wanted to get naked for the sake of proving she was still a hottie, or she wanted to feel liberated by nudity, she could've gone to whatever studio she takes her regular pictures at, except removed the swimsuit or lingere.
I'm glad you got naked, Cindy, but be honest about your motivations. When Britney Spears is 35 and needs publicity (or money) we'll all know why she did it. At 40 years old, you know why people pose in Playboy. Just admit it!!!

Rock Out With Your Photoshop Out!

2006-10-30T05:30:00.000-05:00

I love obviously photoshopped images. Whether it is placing a windsurfer in front of a shark the size of a freight-train, or placing Jessica Alba's head on a naked body, photoshop is always a delight. Here, we see more proof that Paris is attempting to bring down western civilization. Damn you and your low-yield nuclear weapons Madame Hilton!!!

Oh My God!!!

2006-10-27T15:53:00.000-04:00

I missed a post! I had no computer! I'm going to Vegas next week and I'll have trouble posting then! Aagh!!! Must...post...hot...women...

Phew, I apologize in advance if there are no posts, limited posts, picture free posts, or posts that feature nothing but random hot women with nice racks, as our favorite reader says.

Bonus Point Wednesday!

2006-10-25T08:20:00.000-04:00

Scary Halloween bonus points if you can name the "actress" in this photo. Two hints: she's a British import and "actress" is a very general use of the word.

I hope to post tomorrow, but since I will be out of town finding a computer may be a challenge. Wish me luck, as I wish Scary Halloween bonus point luck to you!

Chapped Lips

2006-10-24T08:59:00.000-04:00

If you Google "Sexy Lips" in their image search, the picture on the left is the first thing that comes up. I love Google image search. Love it.
Anyways, my lips aren't all that sexy right now since I spent most of Sunday freezing in a field unintentionally inhaling exhaust fumes. Now, most people would consider this to be the perfect opportunity to apply some chap-stick, but I am not a chap-stick kind of guy.
First of all, chap-stick is addicting, and I do my best to avoid using or consuming anything that I can become physically or mentally dependent on. I've seen people since grade school require the application of chap-stick a minimum 5 times a day, or maybe they we're just trying to draw my attention to their lips for a snogging session. (Snogging? What am I, like a 13 year old girl or a fabulously gay man?)
Secondly, I could just never find a chap-stick that didn't feel oily. I kind of like my lips to have a little bit of strength to them. I'm a guy! It is just like...well...I can't think of anything but lets just say that having a vulnerable piece of flesh attached to my face is not my preference. Wow. That sounded gross.
Finally, chap-stick to me is like cigarettes. If you don't start, you'll save a lot of money long term and you won't miss it anyways. Granted, chap-stick isn't exactly a health hazard, but I think the comparison is applicable. How dare you market your chap-stick to little girls, Mary Kate and Ashley! Anorexic Prostitutes!

Cheaters aren't Stupid

2006-10-23T10:27:00.000-04:00

Have you ever watched one of those shows about cheaters in Las Vegas? Sure, there's always some idiot that tries to steal the chips from someone sitting at a blackjack table, or tries to add to their bet on a roulette wheel, but those people are just petty criminals, not professional cheaters.
A professional cheater works off of variations of the original con: hiding a secondary bet while obviously posting a late one, secretly marking cards for another player, the possibilities are endless. These things require creativity and a knowledge of the system that would give them a chance exploit certain weaknesses.
Now, let's talk baseball.
Kenny Rogers is being accused of having pine tar on his hands, which would make it infinitely harder for opposing batters to hit his pitches. This is not a new ploy. In the past, pitchers have hidden pine tar in their gloves, but this has long been illegal and I cannot remember the last time I heard someone committing this ridiculous rules violation. In the society of sports, where ESPN, ESPN Radio, Fox Sports, and several other networks and shows have hundreds of hours of air time to fill with sports-related topics, no topic goes by before it is swiftly beaten like a dead horse.
Remember the Sammy Sosa corked bat incident? If you are even a casual baseball fan you probably will. This is why I don't think pitchers using pine tar is exactly a common occurrence. We would've been overwhelmed with the stories on it.
Nonetheless, people (mostly in Missouri, ahem) are accusing Tiger's pitcher Kenny Rogers of using pine tar in game two of the world series. As you can see from the picture attached to this, there is a large smug on Roger's pitching hand. This is the alleged pine tar.
Now, my response is simple: no starting world series pitcher is that stupid.
Really, if you are going to cheat would you place the critical item needed to cheat on the most obvious part of your body for all the world, i.e. cameras, to see? Kenny Rogers is not this stupid (that isn't to say he doesn't have the best judgement, but that is another story.)
Tony Larussa, the Cardinals manager, realizes this and has wisely avoided discussing this issue. He knows that creating a whirlwind of controversy around this will only serve to demoralize his players, and giving the Tigers the "bulletin board material" that can be critical in a player's motivation.
Still, with Monday being a travel day, all the shows that want to talk baseball will have nothing to talk about except the pine tar incident. Look: I'm even doing it here. How topical of me.

Awkward?

2006-10-20T08:33:00.000-04:00

The picture at the left has nothing to do with the ultimate point of this post, but it is what began me thinking about the subject I am pursuing. When I saw this ad this morning I realized that I have seen the picture of the woman on the left about 100 times this last week, always in the exact same pose, and always modeling Victoria's Secret panties.
Victoria's Secret advertising is one of the most pervasive marketing schemes in our culture, so it is no surprise that I begin to recognize the models that appear in print, in commercials, etc.
Last night, I believe it was during "Survivor" (why they be kicking out all the Latino's, yo?), a Victoria's Secret commercial came on. No big deal, but at the same time it just always feels awkward to be watching a perfectly innocent television program and all of the sudden, *BOING*, out pops a Victoria's Secret commercial with Adriana, Alessandra, and others strutting about with chests out and ass displayed.
Still, no big deal.
That got me thinking about really awkward television moments and this story:

A couple years after I started dating the future Mrs. Clear Thinker, we were at her house and I was watching television with her father while she was off with her mom. As Mrs. Clear Thinker's father began flipping through the channels (it was later at night) we passed HBO, which was showing some soft-porn fiesta (two espanol references in one post, huzzah!) He continued past this point, but a few channels later stopped, typed in the HBO numbers, and WENT BACK TO THE SOFT PORN MOVIE.
I sat there a moment, utterly embarrased and disturbed by what had just occurred, when he finally said, "I guess the women wouldn't like it if we were watching this."
I laughed nervously and he had the graciousness to change the channel back to whatever sporting event we were originally watching.

Now, I realize that he was probably just fucking with me, trying to see how I would react. A good friend of mine and I always talk about how when we have children, especially daughters, we're going to screw with their boyfriends royally just to see if they can handle being a part of the family.

Was this what occurred to me then? I sincerely hope so because otherwise Mrs. Clear Thinker's father is just weird about that kind of thing (good man, otherwise.)

Game Seven

2006-10-19T08:21:00.000-04:00

As Mike Greenburg said this morning, "The two most magical words in sports are 'game. Seven.'" To which I reply: no, no, the two most magical words are "super...bowl."
But that is just one man's opinion. However, I do love game sevens, especially in baseball where one pitch can change the dynamic of a game. Of the three "major" types of game sevens, in NBA, NHL, and, of course, MLB, game seven in baseball always has the most drama attached to it.
I can remember the opening shot of game seven of the 2001 World Series, Yankees at Diamondbacks, when the camera panned from the upper deck fans towards the field, the stadium music was blaring, and literally every fan with and arm was waving a white towel in celebration of the diamondbacks success in coming back to Phoenix after losing three straight in the Bronx.
They were rewarded with Gonzo's bloop single off arguably the most dominant post-season closer of all time that scored the winning run.
Game sevens are about everything sports are supposed to be about. Give it your all. There is no tomorrow. Leave everything on the field.
How does a game seven differ from any other playoff elimination game? Simple, the build-up. You've had six previous games to create the drama of this moment. In the NFL, which I love, you still don't have the kind of extensive history that can be created when you go a full regular season and then play a team 7 straight games in less than two weeks. This is what baseball lives for. The stats, the build-up, the history. A game seven is like a 3-2 pitch with the bases loaded in the bottom of the ninth - Times 100.
Tonight's game seven will have a lot of drama in it, especially since the two starting pitchers are not the biggest names on their team, they're playing in what will surely be a rocking New York stadium, and there hasn't been any baseball for several days besides these two teams battling in this rain-extended series. All the focus has been Mets/Cards, and now it will culminate. Can you write a better script?
Sure, it could be a World Series instead of a LCS. We could have two big-name pitchers on the mound. It could be the Red Sox/Yankees! Wait, this is the National League. It couldn't be the Sox/Yanks. Scratch that one.
Back to the point! Game seven is sports nirvana. It may only happen once or twice a year, if that, and when it does the eyes of the sports world are focused almost exclusively on it. I know tonight is Thursday Night College Football. I know there are NBA and NHL games to watch. Heck, there is probably golf or some other nonsense on as well.
But it doesn't matter.
Mets. Cardinals. Game. Seven.

Oh No You Didn't!

2006-10-18T08:35:00.000-04:00

I've been writing this blog for what, like 4 months if that? How the HELL is it possible that when I checked my comments this morning I received this:

Askinstoo said...
Hi, i was looking over your blog and didn't
quite find what I was looking for. I'm looking for
different ways to earn money... I did find this though...
a place where you can make some nice extra cash secret shopping.
I made over $900 last month having fun!
make extra money

9:27 PM

I've got an idea "Askinstoo." Why don't you go Fuck yourself?
Would that be what you're looking for?
Could that make you extra money?

Now, I realize that I may be overreacting slightly, but what did I do to deserve this nonsense? I didn't place ads on my blog, I don't write this for money or fame, and I can't imagine anyone that is intelligent enough to read this blog and gather when I am being serious, when I am being sarcastic, and when I'm just trying to have fun would fall for that crap!

Don't make me turn comment moderation on, oh no I didn't!!!

I think I know why I am mad. I don't get very many commentors on this blog, and when I do I am somewhat excited to read what other people think about the dribble I posted the day before. So, when I check my blog early in the morning it brings a smile to my face to see a comment. ONLY TO HAVE IT PAINFULLY CRUSHED OFF MY INNOCENT FACE! AAGH!

You know, I didn't have this problem until I posted a picture of a non-blonde playmate. Clearly there is some hidden indicator there that, if analyzed, can reveal universal truths about civilization. (When did civilization begin? Exactly.)

Playmate Wars: Blonde vs. Non-Blonde!

2006-10-17T09:43:00.000-04:00

The question has been raised, the gauntlet has been thrown down, and we must now answer the eternal question that mankind has been seeking answers for since the dawn of civilization: Are blonde playmates better than non-blonde playmates?

(Please note: according to Clear Thinker Standards civilization began when Playboy was founded)

The statistics are staggering. I don't actually have them, but I'm sure if I did they would be staggering. Since I have absolutely know hard evidence (that wasn't meant to be a pun) whatsoever to support either assertion, we're going to base our argument off of purely non-scientific and arbitrary reasoning. It's the Blogger way!
Here is our point by point assesment:
1. Marilyn Monroe: Need I say more? This classy lady went well before her time, but also left us with an image of beauty and grace that was never ravaged by the violence of time. The original playmate, Marilyn left her mark on society like no other actress has done since. Advantage: Blonde
2. Hair Color: and by that I mean, coloring one's hair to meet the blonde standard. How often do you see a blonde color her hair brown? Clearly, there must be something intangibly beneficial about being blonde. Is it confidence? Is it looks? Is it just because guys won't ask you tough questions? Advantage: Blonde
3. Hot for Teacher: Guys love the girl dressed in the authority figure outfits. Whether it is teachers, librarians, or business professionals, guys dig women that have the smart look going for them. When's the last time you saw a hot blonde librarian? Let me answer: NEVER. Can anyone argue this point? I don't think so. Advantage: Non-Blonde

God I love women in ties. Wait, where were we?

4. PMOY Carmella Decesare (pictured): This lovely brunette is definitely Hot. Notice: Capital "H" for Hot. In a room with Carmella on the left and Dalene on the right, I would have to wake up because I would clearly be dreaming. So, since Marilyn won points for the blondes, we're giving the non-blondes a point for Carmella. Advantage: Non-Blonde
5. Mrs. Clear Thinker: Blonde. Advantage: Clear Thinker

There you have it folks: in the war to detemine blonde vs. non-blonde playmate supremacy you have two winners: Hugh Hefner and myself!

What, you expected me to actually say whether one hair color is better than the other? Beauty is so much more just hair color or even looks. (Warning: after-school special moment coming soon.) Being "hot" and being "beautiful" are two seperate and distinct things. Playmates are hot. Your wife is beautiful. Your baby daughter is beautiful.

Being beautiful is special and more fulfilling than being hot.

Wow. That got serious real quick. Seacrest out!

How to Deal with Cheap Customers

2006-10-16T09:49:00.000-04:00

I was at a race this weekend representing the company I work for, and we are lucky enough to have a fairly sizeable trailer that we use to haul product for racers and also vend aformentioned product and other promotional items out of to the spectators in attendance. It was a heavily attended race, but not very many people were interested in buying anything from us while we were there. It is common at these races for companies to hand out free items, and we usually satisfy that demand by giving away free stickers, which we were doing this weekend.
By late afternoon Saturday I had gotten sick of people asking for free hats from us, which they expected since another company was giving out a slew of free goodies to anyone that asked. Finally, this transaction took place. I'm writing it in script form so you can follow it better. (Note: Apparently in Canada knit winter hats are called "tubes." Is this correct, Canadian audience member?)

Annoying Customer: How much are your tubes?

Clear Thinker: $10

Annoying Customer: How much are your stickers?

Clear Thinker: Those are free.

Annoying Customer: I'll take some of those then!

Clear Thinker: You cheap bastard!

Annoying Customers reaches into back pocket, pulls out wallet and hands Clear Thinker $10.

Annoying Customer: I'll take one then!

Clear Thinker: Thanks!

Exchange takes place, Annoying Customer exit stage left.

Clear Thinker: Did I just insult someone into buying something? Awesome!

THE END

So yes, I actually insulted someone into purchasing something from me, and I couldn't feel better about it. Having worked in retail for several years before my current position, I feel like I stuck it to annoying customers everywhere as a small act of vengeance for cashiers, floor salespeople, and servers everywhere. Viva La Resistance!

P.S. Dalene has nothing to do with this post, it was just easier than looking for a picture that fit this story. More on blonde playmates vs. non-blonde playmates tomorrow!

FPMOYP (Favorite Playmate of the Year Picture)

2006-10-13T09:26:00.000-04:00

Busy at work = sexy picture time!!!

I can't explain why this picture of Dalene Kurtis is my favorite Playmate picture of all time, but it just is. I'm sure The Wife will harass me constantly for having revealed this fact, but I'll just have to accept these consequences.

So what is it about this picture that I like, I wonder? Is it the pose that matters or is it the subject? What makes a great Playmate picture?

Does this need a Title?

2006-10-12T12:31:00.000-04:00

It snowed in Clear Thinker-ville for the first time since early spring, so we all need something to bring back a little bit of Autumn cheer! Hooray, Beer!

Interesting that I took the time to add the censor marks, what does that say about this blog?

Uncensored image via erosblog...

Root for the Bad Guy

2006-10-11T08:36:00.000-04:00

This week's posts have placed this question in my mind: "When is it acceptable to root for the bad guy?" I think I have come up with some criteria that answers this question, but maybe this is all really a matter of perspective and one person's bad guy is another person's hero? I guess I'll let other people decide those moral ambiguities and I'll just stick to my analysis.
1. The Bad Guy's Enemies are even "Badder." - Certain movies, television shows, or video games feature a protagonist who is definitely on the wrong side of the law. However, since his main foils are all also on the wrong side of law, it becomes a question of who has committed the worse crimes. In some cases, the antagonist may have betrayed our protagonist, which automatically gives him the crucial sympathy card for the story. A sympathetic bad guy always looks better when held up to a greater standard of evil. Example: Payback - Mel Gibson's character is a thieving crook who makes a living by committing crimes, but he also was betrayed by his partner and is seeking revenge. Oh, and Maria Bello digs him, and that always makes you more likeable.
2. The Good Guys are Annoying! - Every once in a while a hero or heroine comes along that just defys any standard of acceptability. These problems often occur with annoying catch phrases, excessive success despite stupidity, and overall crappiness. Often times, the good guy may actually be the focal point of the story, but by the end of the movie, show, or game you just really don't care about them anymore and pray for their imminent demise. Example: Dead Rising - If you've ever played this game on 360 you know by now just how annoying almost all the survivors are. Once you get a group of the survivors up in the security room, all they do is whine and complain about their imminent death, which you would be happy to assist them with if your guns worked up there! Aagh!!! Somehow, Zombification for these people is strangely acceptable after you've seen just how annoying they can be.
3. The Good Guy Always Wins. - This is a major problem in television shows, where the good guys are constantly finding a way to outwit the bad guys, and sometimes in the most unbelievable ways. Eventually, you get so annoyed with the ridiculous ways the good guys constantly manage to pull it out that you just want to see them lose for once! After all, how many times can you see someone fail before you just want to see them succeed! Just once! Example: Wiley Coyote - how many times must our favorite carnivore be outwitted by some bird before he finally gets dinner? Seriously? How many times can we defy gravity, break the laws of physics, or have a fool proof ACME product go wrong? Another example: James Bond - Everyone's favorite secret asian man (that shouldn't be an esoteric reference, but I apologize if it is) constantly escapes certain death, even though we are constantly given the impression that the double-o agents have an extremely short life span. Imagine the scene:
Bond: You expect me to talk?
Bad Guy: No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die! (Bad Guy pulls out gun)
Bond: Wait, why don't you try cutting me in half with that death laser instead?
Bad Guy: Do you know how much it cost to run that thing? A bullet only costs a few cents! (Aims at Bond, squeezes trigger)
Bond: No! I haven't had sex with three different women in this movie yet!
*BANG*
Bad Guy: Ha!
Credits Roll
4. The Bad Guys are Just Cool... - Awesome costumes and kick-ass attitudes are just a couple of things that can make being the bad guy so fun. There isn't a better way to describe most of these characters than just "cool." Let's cut to three different examples in the three aforementioned genres: Movies: Darth Vader - Are you kidding me? Darth Vader may be the king of what it means to be a cool bad guy. From the moment he appears at the beginning of episode 4 you can practically hear "I am a badass..." Better yet, he ultimately turns "good" by the end of the trilogy, and you can see that he was tricked into the dark side in the new trilogy. So even though he is "bad" it just feels so good!
TV: Mr. Morden, Babylon 5 - Now THIS might be esoteric! For those of you that don't know about Babylon 5, shame on you! It was one of the best science fiction shows on television (it had an intentional 5 year run and no longer is on the air.) If you don't like science fiction, you probably won't like B5, but it probably has the most crossover potential of any sci-fi show thanks to a focus more on interpersonal relationships instead of space battles. So, back to Morden. Morden is the human representative of the "Shadows," who are an ancient race that believes in evolution through conflict. Essentially, Morden appears occasionally to manipulate the B5 regulars and create universal havoc, and he does it all while convincingly acting like the most bad-ass character on the show.
Games: Tommy Vercetti, GTA: Vice City - Never has outrunning cops, passing out drugs from an ice cream truck, stealing cars, and taking over the crime in a city ever looked so good! Vercetti definitely wins out over Carl Johnson in GTA: San Andreas based simply on the style factor. Getting into your Ferrari, wearing a white suit, no socks, while blasting classic 80's pop makes GTA: Vice City a complete joy, and adds enough "good vibes" to break up any of the darker side of the game.

Emotional Effect

2006-10-10T08:46:00.000-04:00

I've been a gamer since grade school, and each year, as my income cooperates, I have been able to enjoy this hobby even more. I can't say how enjoyable it was to be able to purchase an XBOX 360 without worrying if I could make rent that month.
Obviously my tastes have matured and I've found which games I like, which I don't, and I can predict before ever putting a controller in my hand whether I will want to spend time in this entertainment mode.
After all, that is what games are: entertainment. If I was to put forth this premise: "Entertainment can have an emotional and physical effect, be it positive or negative, on the person being entertained." Can we agree that is correct?
After all, have you ever cried at the end of a movie? Cheered for your favorite sports team?
I will argue that video games have the same effect. Anyone who wasn't crushed when Aeris died in Final Fantasy VII is a soulless bastard. Anyone who doesn't feel their adrenaline race when playing veteran mode in Call of Duty 2 is not human.
That is why I can feel bad playing the "bad" guys. I don't want to be on the side of evil, I want to help the good guys!
Sure, I know that this is all fantasy, but games are becoming so realistic, so well scripted, that they are pulling the emotions right out of us. This is why I can feel bad about certain things, but great about beating others! When I beat a level in CoD 2 I've killed dozens of Nazis, but it is still a triumph and I feel that accomplishment. This is because I'm beating evil! (even if it is simulated...)
So, when I make a warning to parents to, for god's sake, PAY ATTENTION! It is because I recognize there is an emotional effect created by video games. The difference is that, as an adult, I can recognize these emotions and deal with them appropriately. I know that it is fantasy, and I have the emotional maturity to avoid any long term effects from them.
That isn't to say adults can't be effected. I challenge you to watch the news for an hour a day, everyday, for a month. Then, stop.
I guarantee that within a week you will be happier and enjoy your life more. Do you still want to know what is going on? Read a newspaper. Television news thrives on making people feel in constant crisis, therefore making them feel like they need to watch more.
Children are even more emotionally effected than adults. I remember my mother banning my brothers and sister from watching Power Rangers because everytime we watched the show we'd become much more aggressive and get in fights. I wouldn't let my children watch NEXT on MTV because I don't want them to think all teenagers are whores!
As for video games, I would never let my child play Grand Theft Auto Vice City, even though it is one of my favorite games of all time. No child is capable of dealing with the sexuality, violence, and language that are regularly a part of that game, but as an adult I can appreciate it the same way I appreciate a Tarantino movie.
Here is my summary: Video games are great entertainment, but we are fooling ourselves if we don't think they effect us emotionally. Adults need to be responsible for watching the entertainment their children consume, and we need to recognize that while video games themselves may not be "bad" they can certainly have a negative impact on children who already have deeper emotional problems.

Too Real?

2006-10-09T07:59:00.000-04:00

I didn't buy The Godfather for XBOX 360 thinking it would be all fun and games. As a matter of fact, I assumed it would be a darker title considering the tone of the movies and the fact that the game is designed around the Grand Theft Auto style of play.
Still, listening to the heartbeat of a rival family member (i.e. mafia goon) slow as I choke them to death is a little disconserting after about the 50th time you do it. Actually, it wasn't this moment that depressed me as much as when I threw some guy off a bridge to make his death look like an accident. Mind you: these are actual gameplay elements that, while not 100% necessary, are rewarded with additional respect and money.
So, while I am going to finish the game, I can't help but feel like there is something missing, and that the video game has gotten just a little closer to the violent edge than I like.
Hey: I'm the guy that doesn't like playing the bad guys in a Lord of the Rings game. There's something about making it your goal to pillage and destroy the good guys that just doesn't feel right.
I can recall one moment in the classic game Battlefield: 1942 in which I was using a mounted machine gun from a pillbox on the beaches of Normandy. Looking out to the sea (I was playing as the Germans) I tracked a landing craft coming at the shore, and I could see several soldiers inside it. When it hit the beach, I opened up and watched 1...2...3...4, then 5 soldiers come running out the front, only to collapse in the hail of gunfire I laid down on the front of the vessel.
In the most sublime moment of my life, I realized that this is what actually happened over 60 years ago. I had to stop playing I felt so awkward in participating on the side of evil in this scenario.
I've play Battlefield: 1942 many times since then, and I've been on the receiving end of machine gun fire in a landing craft many times, but somehow running into the pill box and lighting up the defenders inside feels glorious, whereas standing in a virtual reinforced concrete bunker, spilling .30 caliber rounds at anything that moves is almost depressing after awhile, especially when you're shooting at the "good" guys.
So, back to The Godfather. I said before that I'm undoubtedly going to finish this game, and it is only a matter of time before I have to do some other action that I feel "bad" about.
However, I just got past a point in the game where a rival family killed my wife (girlfriend? I don't remember getting married..?) So now, when I do things like...throw the boss of another family into an incinerator (yes, I had to do this) I won't feel "bad" as much as "justified."

And people wonder why there is so much school violence. Let me tell you something if you are a parent: pay attention. Don't listen to what your kids tell you about a television show or video game. Make an effort to see for yourself. You might be shocked at what kids are exposed to on a daily basis. I know I am, and I don't even have children yet.

Which One is Which?

2006-10-06T11:21:00.000-04:00

Is it possible that "C-list rapidly descending to D-list faux celebrity/actress/party girl" Tara Reid was secretly separated from "cutie petite pornstar that shouldn't have gotten implants" Sunrise Adams at birth?

You can't deny the visual evidence, people! I bet Sunrise has a better shot at getting into exclusive Hollywood hot spots, however.

20 bonus points if you can name three Tara Reid movies without googling her flimography. As if there is such a thing as a "Tara Reid Movie."

Oh, Snap!

2006-10-05T09:25:00.000-04:00

I wondered where the opening sequence of Lost was going last night, and I was very impressed to see that the producers dropped another awesome twist on us with the revelation that the Others were quite sophisticated with their own island suburb going on. Now that we know without a doubt that the Others are directly involved with the Dharma Initiative (although we don't know if they actually were running it yet) we can assume that their hostility towards the crash survivors relates more out of fear of them than this strange desire to smack them around (literally, the crash survivors are the true "others.")
This would jive with everything that has occurred so far, since all the Others have tried to do since the initial kidnappings was establish boundaries to keep the crash survivors away from them. That, of course, brings to question what their initial purpose was in the kidnappings, taking of Walt, and captivity of our three favorite characters (face it, Kate, Jack, and Sawyer are the most interesting characters, especially since Lock got all preachy.)
So the motivation of the Others must be fear. They have fear that their way of life will be ruined by these outsiders, and now they are trying to determine if it is possible to integrate them into their commune or if they must be excluded. I think this is the reason for taking Jack, Kate, and Sawyer, because clearly those three have the most baggage from their previous lives and if they can be adapted in, then the rest can.

Then again, I may be wrong and the island is actually governed by a mystical polynesian demigod that takes the form of people and puffs of smoke in an effort to entertain himself, which is why the Dharma Initiative abandoned their outpost.

Then again, the Others may be Dharma Initiative scientists that intentionally tracked and manipulated the lives of a group of people in an effort to experiment with life altering trauma at the most stressful levels.

Oh, and doesn't saving someone from guaranteed paralysis earn you a lifetime of love and collateral??? Help a brother out here!

No, Hurley, no!

2006-10-04T13:40:00.000-04:00

In honor of the return of Lost on ABC tonight, I found this picture courtesy of TMZ.com. (What's wrong with me and my sudden visit to Hollywood gossip blogs? I'm starting to wish I was fabulously gay like Perez Hilton!)
Apparently, In this new episode Hurley puts on his hippie shirt and walks the dog left behind by Michelle Rodriguez. Oh, Michelle, how I miss you and your tough but sexy bad-assness!
Show note: Michelle Rodriguez did not leave a dog behind, it was just the best excuse I could find to mention her in this blog. Wait! Why am I posting pictures of Hurley instead of Michelle Rodriquez???

Phew, that's better!

Even without Michelle, Lost is still going to rock. Prepare to lose your Wednesday nights for the next few months!

History of What???

2006-10-03T08:39:00.000-04:00

Via IMDB:

Actress Kirsten Dunst has come under fire from historians for her "frightful" interpretation of tragic French queen Marie Antoinette. Dunst plays the 18th Century monarch in Sofia Coppola's racy new biopic, which was booed by critics at this year's Cannes Film Festival. Now her overtly sexual performance has been attacked by France's Marie Antoinette Association as well, who insists the queen's bedroom antics are not factually based. The association's president Michele Lorin says, "I've seen the trailer for the film on the internet. It is a fright. We've spent years trying to convince people that the queen was not just a libertine who told the starving to eat cake. What do you see on the trailer? You see Marie Antoinette eating cake. You see her lying naked on a chaise longue. I fear the film is going to set us back many years." However, Dunst retorts the movie should not be taken too seriously. She says, "It's kind of like a history of feelings rather than a history of facts. So don't expect a masterpiece theatre, educational Marie Antoinette biopic."

History of Feelings???

What the hell is a history of feelings?

I've heard of a lot of histories in my life: history of the roman empire, history of the industrial revolution, History of the World Part 2, and so on and so on, but never a "history of feelings." Do you think that this is some nonsense Sophia Coppola told Dunst in order to get her naked for the movie? "Kirsten, you must get nude for the shot in order to truely represent the history of feelings that is Marie Antoinette's life."
I guess I can't be too mad at Sophia Coppola, she did bring us Scarlet Johannson in sheer underpants (Step one: steal underpants!)
However, what reporter would allow someone to say: "It's kind of like a history of feelings rather than a history of facts," without looking them straight in the eyes and then punching them squarely in the nose.

Nonsense is the language of Hollywood, people.

Sleepy, eh?

2006-10-02T08:33:00.000-04:00

This picture best depicts The Wife at this current moment in time. Calling in from work so you can go to the doctor, and then sleeping in late as well? For Shame!

Vegas, Baby!

2006-09-29T12:44:00.000-04:00

The Wife and I will be making our second trip to Las Vegas at the end of October and we want to go see at least one Cirque Du Soleil show while we're there. Can anyone out there recommend which show we should go to? Any non-Cirque shows we need to see? The initial choices are:

Mystere
"O"
Ka
Love
Zumanity

I'm leaning toward Mystere at the moment...

Representing the People

2006-09-28T08:14:00.000-04:00

I've put some serious thought into this post, in an effort to clearly lay down my philosphy of government and government intervention in the lives of its citizens. This philosophy carried into my previous post, where I tried to make the case that the .08 alcohol limit may be excessive. Please note: I said it may be excessive. Someone with a significant amount of research done to the topic may be able to convince me that it is, in fact, not low enough.
I realize now, after I may have sounded crass and unaffected by the idea of people driving drunk, that even the slightest suggestion that this law is unfair would bring about serious emotions and passionate arguments to the contrary. As you may have gathered if you have been following this blog for any amount of time, I consider myself a Conservative, but not in the religious sense of the word, which is, unfortunately, where our American politics has placed us. As a Conservative, I believe that anything I want to do, as long as it does not affect another adult person's rights, is acceptable.
In the case of drunk driving, my concern is who decided the standard for when a person is considered "driving drunk." Now, I know my lone commentor would probably argue that one drink is enough, and based on her personal experience I can understand why she would feel this way. But I remember growing up when the legal BAC in my state was .1, not .08. Who decided it should be lowered this much? After all, if one drink impairs driving, then shouldn't the legal BAC be no greater than .01?
That is ultimately the premise of my argument. If I can purchase alcohol in a restaurant, in very small quantities, and still surpass the legal limit, why should it be sold at all? Paris's DUI is hardly a lone case, but if she had been driving in my state just a handful of years ago she would have been perfectly within the law. Who makes the decisions about where the line is drawn?
Who decided that marijuana is illegal but alcohol not? Methamphetamines bad but cigarettes okay? Marriage between Joe and Jill okay but Joe and Joe not? Taxing the most successful among us at 50% and those that didn't have success at 0% (after tax breaks, etc.)?
The United States is a Representative Republic, not a true Democracy. This means that people get elected to the local statehouse or Washington, and then have their opinions influenced immediately by small special interest groups that do not represent the majority of our nation.
Here is what probably happened in my state capitol when the BAC legislation came up:
A group of lobbyists representing MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving) spent a significant amount of time and money trying to convince my congress person and governor that the BAC should be lowered from .1 to .01. Meanwhile, a group of lobbyists representing the restaurant and bar association tried to convince another congress person that the BAC should stay where it stood. Both sides had statistics to back up their arguement, and congress was equally divided. Because they could not appear to do nothing, the compromised to the .08 mark, so they could both claim victory to the special interest groups that had challenged them in the first place.
This is ultimately my concern. Our goverment is run by minorities most of the time, people that are squeaky wheels and demand change.
In New York right now, the city is considering banning foods with transfatty acids. This would force restaurants to change the type of shortening or oil they are using to different, perhaps more expensive ones. If transfatty acids are truely that much of a danger, at least they are banning it rather than just taxing it. The same should apply to alcohol. If it is truely that bad to drink, make it illegal to drive with any alcohol in your system. I don't know enough facts to determine if this is true, but I do know that I don't trust our goverment to decide for us.

Oh, no, Ms. Paris!

2006-09-27T09:10:00.000-04:00

I don't know what to say. Despite my complete dislike of Paris Hilton she has managed to appear on this blog three times in it's short life (the blog, not Paris.)
Then I came across this story on IMDB:

Paris Hilton has been charged with drunk driving stemming from her September 7 arrest. The socialite was caught driving with a blood-alcohol level of .08 per cent - the minimum to warrant an arrest under California law. The Simple Life star was booked and released. An arraignment is set for tomorrow in Los Angeles Superior Court. Hilton is not required to appear. If convicted, Hilton could be jailed for six months and fined $1,000.

Now Paris has gone and done it. She's forced me to defend her. Damn her feminine charms.

How much do you think Paris weighs? 110 pounds? Let's work off of that assumption. If Paris goes to dinner, and let's make it about an hour long dinner, and she has a couple glasses of wine (probably white zinfandel) throughout the course of that dinner, what do you think her blood alcohol level will be?

According to the BAC charts I've read, it will end up, you guessed it, right at about .08. Just over the legal limit.

2 glasses of wine? Seriously? You don't think Paris can't handle drinking two glasses of wine? This .08 limit is ridiculous and makes it virtually impossible to drink alcoholic beverages at a restaurant for the fear of getting pulled over on the drive home. Frankly, I don't know anyone that is unable to drive after two alcoholic beverages. From what I understand, there are proponents that want to make the BAC limit even lower!

I believe drunk driving accidents are amazing tragedies, primarily because they could've been prevented with a little self control. However, perfectly normal people, and Paris just happens to be the most famous of a number of people with these ridiculously low BACs getting fined, arrested, or worse, shouldn't be punished for these unbelievable standards. Free Paris!

Hello, Hello. Hola!

2006-09-26T08:02:00.000-04:00

Let me first say this: I love U2 as much as the next straight male...

Wait. Didn't I already use that phrase? Oh, well. Anyways, I think older U2 songs seriously rock, and I am particularily fond of "Sunday, Bloody Sunday" and "New Year's Day," but I am starting to wonder why it is that every time our nation (United States of America for all my readers in mid-central Africa) experiences some "National Tragedy" U2 has to come and rock us back into recovery?

Let me explain the strange irony in this for those of you who may be saying, "I love U2! Don't you dare rip on U2!"

U2, Bono, The Edge, etc. are all...IRISH

Do you understand the irony now?

The Irish contingent in America is particularily strong, which is why a school like Notre Dame can get national football broadcasts against pathetic teams like Navy, but that doesn't explain why U2 has decided to become the band that symbolizes American recovery. Since the post September 11th Super Bowl U2 has found their way to the national stage for every "symbolic" NFL game, which I think is the true story behind this:

Bono loves Football.

I don't mean that cheesy "soccer" game, toebashers. I mean real, American, hard-hitting FOOTBALL. He Loves It! These "healing performances" are just a chance for him to get free box seats at national games! Oh, Bono! You and your wiley ways! How does a good Euro like yourself fall in love with good, capitalistic football? I for one demand that Bono come out and publicly declare his love for the number 1 sport in America, begging for our acceptance into the great American/Football community. Heck, if he agrees to perform at the next ten superbowls we'll even allow him to own a team. I think the Raiders are perfect for him! Come on, Bono! Don't you want to move to Oakland?

Seriously? SERIOUSLY???

2006-09-25T08:04:00.000-04:00

I love Desperate Housewives as much as the next straight male (you can take that exactly as it sounds...) but Sunday night's episode was just to much to take. I actually thought it started off moderately promising, with Teri Hatcher being able to avoid any advice from her child and Felicity Huffman dealing with her husband's selfishness (which you really hoped won't be the theme of their relationship season 3.) I was even able to ignore my complete disdain for Eva Longoria's "bitch without a good side that you actually liked when she carried it through most of the first 1.5 seasons" storyline and Marcia Cross's ridiculous ability to be the most anal retentive woman in the world and still fall for psychopaths. (Please note: for the purposes of this blog I use the actresses names but I am aware that these are "characters" they are playing. It is just easier to remember the actress. You'll always be Lois Lane to me, Teri!)
By the end of the episode, however, I was so completely annoyed with the Eva Longoria and Marcia Cross that I really couldn't have cared less about Teri and Felicity. I'm glad Felicity stood up for herself, and at least Teri is dealing with a new relationship for legitimate reasons rather than, "the man I love is across the street but I'll just date any man that raises my self esteem, oh, daughter, do I love him?" reasons.
First: Longoria. Is there seriously any redeeming qualities left about her that should make us care if she even gets her baby? You know what I really want? I want to see Ol'Eva taken down quite a few notches, and forced to realize that she treats everyone she is close to like a complete bitch. Her whole "American dream spoiled" speech to Carlos (yeah, don't know that actor's name) was the most self-centered, annoyingly egotistical, and completely clueless monologue ever uttered on the show. It went so far into this realm of, "you're seriously complaining that his cheating ruined your life?" that her whole storyline is just crap that we have to wade through to get to the decent parts of this show. Vamos!
Now for the big one, or should I say the "Big O?"
You seriously are asking the viewers to believe that a 40-something woman has not only never experienced and orgasm in her life, but when it does happen she cannot recognize it so badly that she immediately runs to the hospital? I know that the writers thought this would be a funny aside to the story, but it played so badly and was so incredibly unbelievable that the whole show was ruined in this moment of insanity.
I actually think this destroys the original premise of the Marcia Cross storyline way back in season one, where her husband wanted so badly to have sex with her, but she wouldn't give it up. Personally, I can't imagine how Rex (see, remember the male characters) could've hooked up with her for so long with out overstock.com ever occurring. And he still wanted to nail her all the way to his death? Not hardly.

Eww!

2006-09-22T08:11:00.000-04:00

I was reading IMDB's news and gossip (yes, I also read these daily) when this story viciously interupted my otherwise peaceful morning:

Rosie O'Donnell shocked co-star Julian McMahon when she bared her breasts during a love scene when her shirt kept getting in the shot. The outspoken gay talk show host guest starred on McMahon's TV series Nip/Tuck as a lottery winner who ends up bedding her plastic surgeon. She tells US news show Access Hollywood that the director tried to shoot around a tube-top they made her wear, but had to keep yelling "cut" because a bit of the top could be seen in the shot. O'Donnell immediately pulled the shirt down to her waist, shocking her co-star. McMahon, who plays sexy surgeon Christian Troy on the show, looked down and told her "nice boobs." O'Donnell is a huge fan of the series and insists she would "love to do that show again and again and again."

I must admire the ever-suave Julian McMahon for his extreme coolness in the face of danger. I guess he knew that Rosie had no interest whatsoever in him and that her whole Tom Cruise crush was just a fake! She's a Phoney! Phoney!

Did you notice that I would rather post a gay picture of Julian McMahon (yes, it is gay because I found it via google on a gay news site) that post a fully clothed picture of Rosie O'Donnell?

Really? Just Now?

2006-09-21T11:28:00.000-04:00

The Wife was casually browsing her gossip web pages and other web junk, which is apparently her morning ritual, when this headline from IMDB caught my eye:

Fergie Finds Out How To Love Herself

Of course, my first thought was, "Really? Most men know how to do that from the age of twelve."

High Maintenance Quiz!

2006-09-20T08:30:00.000-04:00

I found this quiz on MSN that's supposed to let men know if they're getting into a relationship with a high maintenance woman. I think it is great for men at any stage of a relationship to determine if they're justified in complaining about their significant other being high maintenance. Is there one of these for women to determine the opposite? Check it out:

1. You land a huge new account at work. Your lady friend’s response:

Fantastic. Pick up something extravagant for me at Tiffany’s on the way home. (Score = -1)
Great. I have some items on lay-away that I can pay off! (Score = 1)
Finally! More money for us to enjoy! Let’s hit the mall this weekend. (Score = 2)
Let’s go out to dinner to celebrate! (Score = 3)
I’m so proud of you! Tell me all about it. (Score = 4)

2. A quick peek into her medicine cabinet reveals:

A scaled-down version of a Hollywood star’s make-up trailer. (Score = -1)
A mini-Sephora. (Score = 1)
A healthy array of perfumes, polishes, makeup and more. (Score = 2)
The usual stuff, plus self-tanner, hair gel and Crest Whitestrips. (Score = 3)
Nothing more exciting than the usual stuff. (Score = 4)

3. You want to grab a quick bite and invite your gal along. She:

Spends an hour — at least — finding something “casual” to wear. (Score = -1)
Looks great to you, but says she needs 30 minutes to get ready... and runs past that estimate by a good ten minutes. (Score = 1)
Takes about 20 minutes to change her clothes and redo her hair and makeup. (Score = 2)
Needs 10 minutes to change her shoes and freshen her makeup. (Score = 3)
Is ready to race you to the door. (Score = 4)

4. While you’re on the phone with a pal, your girlfriend:

Stands over you and says, “I need you off the phone now.” (Score = -1)
Walks by repeatedly, mouthing, “Aren’t you done yet?” (Score = 1)
Invents reasons to interrupt you, like, “Have you seen my purse?” (Score = 2)
Sits across from you tapping her foot and drumming her fingers. (Score = 3)
Heads to the other room to give you some privacy. (Score = 4)

5. Some friends throw a party to celebrate your success, and your girlfriend:

Acts like it’s for her. (Score = -1)
Pouts and says, “He couldn’t have done it without me. And speaking of me...” (Score = 1)
Proclaims, “Tonight’s all about you — except when it’s about me.” (Score = 2)
Asks, “What can I get you to drink?” when you arrive. (Score = 3)
Helped them plan it. (Score = 4)

Scoring:

Less than 0: Talk about a fixer-upper. This gal’s not only a money pit, but she’s going to require a lot of your time and attention. Unless you want to be henpecked for eternity, get out now.

0-5: She requires entirely too much attention to be any fun over the long haul. Life’s too short to suffer like this... Why not search for a new love?

6-10: She’s either self-centered or just plain rude. Maybe even both. You can do better. So cut your losses and look for someone who can focus on you now and then.

11-15: A little self-absorbed, but depending on your personality, you might not mind. Check your gut to see if you can deal with these behaviors.

16-20: Jackpot! This gal has high expectations, but low-maintenance needs.

Pink Responds!

2006-09-19T09:50:00.000-04:00

At the apparent prompting of my lone comment maker, Rock Superstar Pink has sent this response to my written mockery of her Sunday Night Football performances:

I guess I have to give credit to anyone that would propose to Carey Hart in the middle of the Mammoth Mountain Motocross Race. If you haven't seen her make a complete mockery of MTV's award for best pop video (which she won???) check it out during one of the umpteenth million times MTV will show the VMA replay.

Aagh! My Ears!

2006-09-18T08:07:00.000-04:00

I love a good pop princess as much as the next heterosexual male, but Sunday Night Football's use of Anti-poptartlet Pink is just too much to bear.
Unlike the world-famous Monday night football anthems, Pink's renditions, which are set to the melody of a Joan Jett song, make me want to fall on the floor crying, my ears bleeding and my nose running from the intense sinus pain she is placing on my fragile mind.
Perhaps mercifully, I couldn't make out a word Pink is saying in this retched noise Pink refers to as "music." Had I not actively watched the game last night I wouldn't have had any idea the Cowboys were playing the Redskins, and my assumption would've been that the game was taking place on some megacity-digital metropolis that apparently is host to Pink's little performance.
Football Night in America, which is NBC's pregame show, is not that bad, and actually can hold it's own in the run up to the Sunday night game. The only weak link the the broadcast is Bob Costas, who looks more at home at a tennis match than a football game.
Then, just when you think the game is about to start, popslut comes out and starts pretending like people actually want to hear her introduce the game. I predict that next year NBC won't use Pink, and may even skip the whole pregame song and dance altogether. Every other game on Sunday gets away without a hooker shaking it to old Joan Jett, why can't NBC's broadcast?

Porn v. Republicans

2006-09-15T07:54:00.000-04:00

I always laugh when I see people in the adult industry or other related areas complain about Republicans and how they are trying to destroy their way of life. What, do you people really think that Democrats are going to protect your right to double penetration, snowballing, or BDSM? Get real people. The "government" is always going to oppose porn until porn is no longer seen as a corrupting influence on American society, which is unlikely to happen as long as there are fundamentalist Christian activists and feminist organizations like the National Organization of Women (NOW.)
Sorry, Charlie, but you're not any more secure with liberals than you are with most Republicans. There is, however, another option: Conservatives.
Hold on and listen. I don't mean Republicans like Bush or Alberto Gonzalez. Bush is a politician, and lately he has been a very poor politician, although with his recently rising poll numbers (probably thanks to the recent drop in gas prices) he has been much more effective. But Bush definitely doesn't follow conservative principles. Ask any Libertarian if Bush and Gonzalez are Conservative and they will probably fall on the floor laughing.
Fundamentally, a Conservative believes that government should have minimal influence over people's lives. Essentially, I boil what it means to be a conservative down to this statement:

You can behave how you choose, do what you want, and live your own lifestyle as long as it does not infringe on another person's way of life.

Do you want to spend your evenings looking at pictures of men with ginger in their ass? Fine, just do it in your own home.
Do you want to smoke marijuana? You can't do it in a public park, but if you want to have a coffee shop that allows marijuana smoke in it, that's just fine with us. After all, people don't have to drink your coffee.
How about production of adult movies? Are all the parties involved consenting adults? Will you distribute the product only to people that are intending to consume the product? Then make your movies!

The problem a lot of people have is they want to look at pictures of naked women, but don't believe people should be allowed to carry firearms, for example. The moment you start infringing upon the rights of one group of people is the moment you make it easier for someone to infringe on your rights. We cannot have a society that decides what is acceptable and not acceptable for the public. This is Communism and ultimately leads to the loss of freedom for everyone.

So I ask you, are you willing to deny one group their freedom just for the sake of your own personal values? I hope the answer is no.

Intellectual Honesty

2006-09-14T08:09:00.000-04:00

My wife questioned me yesterday with, "why are you so mad at the news lately?"
This question followed me yelling at Fox News' John Gibson (okay, I wasn't really yelling at him as much as I was yelling at the TV which broadcast his image) when he was doing a report about a recent photo that was leaked showing a funeral in Afghanistan that was attended almost exclusively by Taliban militants. This was significant because U.S. military rules of engagement say that our troops cannot attack the enemy if they are in a cemetary. The person who leaked this information obviously wanted this rule changed and is using the media to do it.
Here is my problem: for years John Gibson has been bemoaning the leaks from the CIA, FBI, Congress, and the State Department regarding national security issues. The terrorist surveilance program, in which we monitor foreign calls made by people we have intelligence against, is an excellent example of a leak that Gibson freaked out about.
Now, when Gibson was wrapping up the report on this funeral/Taliban leak, he said, "Let's hope next time they leak this information to us!"
Sorry, John, just because you agree with what the leak concerned doesn't mean you can just suddenly accept people leaking the information.
Either you are opposed to leaks concerning national security or you are in favor of unelected bureacrats trying to influence policy by exposing the most sensitive of national secrets.
And yes, the funeral/Taliban case falls into this category because now our enemy is better aware of our rules of engagement and know they can gather in cemetaries safely. This is the same as being aware that if they called a U.S. citizen they will have their conversation listened to.
Gibson should apologize for not being consistent on these issues, and clearly state where he draws the line of acceptability between leaking information and national security.
Personally, I agree that we should've taken out the militants, but I also believe that the more that is made public about our operational abilities in the War on Terror the less safe we are. When November comes I will elect someone that I trust to make the necessary decisions to protect my family and my country. This is how American Democracy works, not through media manipulation and backroom meetings between reporters and statesmen trying to influence our national policies.
On a side note: Valerie Plame is the hottest non-undercover CIA analyst I have ever seen.

Can't Fake Those!

2006-09-13T08:16:00.000-04:00

Let's all take a moment to check out the beautiful NOPI Chic Marisa:

Nice, right? Tan body, nice blonde hair, great swimsuit placement and perfect large breas...wait. Something appears to be missing.
There it is: plastic surgery scars!!!

Now, Marisa seems like a very nice girl. Look, here she is in the NOPI swimsuit contest:

Friendly, right?
So where is this going, you ask, other than an excuse to mock beautiful plastic women? After all, I personally don't have a problem with silicone or saline breasts. A coworker of mine is fond of saying, "If I can touch them-they're real."
I do, however, take issue with people that get obvious plastic surgery done. While I admire Marisa's confidence to walk around in less fabric than it takes to make a pair of gloves, I wish that she had taken a little bit of discretion when it came to swimsuit choice, knowing full well that those implant scars would be visible for the entire world.
So we need to make a few rules about plastic surgery now:
1. Plastic surgery is okay as long as it is not used to dramatically disproportion any part of the body. Even though Marisa is busting out all over the place, it's not like she is going to have trouble finding bras. Hmm...maybe she will...
2. If you've had plastic surgery done, you may NOT wear clothing that willingly shows the evidence of plastic surgery. It destroys the illusions!
3. If you choose to wear those clothes, you may not photoshop the evidence out of pictures! If you're proud of the falsies, you must be proud of any other affect they had on your body!
All that being said, I don't generally see any reason to get large implants done. I can totally understand getting a "breast lift" or small implants to accentuate what's already there (think of it as permanent cleavage make-up.) However, I know very few men that judge breast simply based on size, whether it be small or large. Women of the world, I beg you, no ridiculously large implants (that's enough, Pam Anderson!)
On a side note, it appears that Marisa is only capable of smiling if she tilts her head downward. Look: further evidence-

Maybe the surgeon that left those knife wounds also accidently shortened the tendons between her neck and cheeks, so that in order to smile she must also nod her head...

Vile, Disgusting, Fox News on 9/11, and other synonyms

2006-09-12T09:48:00.000-04:00

Let me premise this post by saying that I've been a pretty religious news watcher since I entered college. When I lived in a dorm I would leave CNN Headline News on so much that I would see the same news cycles 5-10 times in one day. I guess that I always wanted to be more informed than the next person.
When I moved into an apartment I had a lot more cable news options to choose from, and I generally watched more MSNBC than anything, maybe because MSNBC always occupied a middle ground for me, even though they have lately lost their identity and spend more time bashing people than reporting the news.
On September 11, 2001 I began to watch a lot more Fox News than ever before because their coverage of this terrifying day was some of the best in the world. They had a reporter virtually at Ground Zero the moment the towers fell, and I still can remember watching live while the second plane hit the tower. Hundreds of people lost their lives in that single moment and I saw it happen. By the end of the day, we were all scared and realized that this was the first day of our lives where we'll look back and go: I remember where I was when...

Fast Forward Five Years.

I was watching some of the coverage from my house in the late morning when Brit Hume was commenting on the logistics of that day. He recalled an instance where they believed a plane was headed for the Capitol and they were deciding whether to evacuate. Brit decided that he was a reporter, and despite the fact that their main broadcasting desk was near the Capitol, and you could look right at it behind him, he would stay. His wife, the bureau chief, had different ideas. She decided that Hume was going to move because they didn't want him in the shot of the Capitol.
When I heard this cold reporter's logic I was somewhat angry, but I realized that she was right and, after all, it is their job to get the best look at even the most horrible of events.

Fast Forward 7 hours.

Special Report with Brit Hume is Fox's main political show and features some of the best looks and analysis at our nations politics. I was watching it and taking in a summary of the September 11 coverage, and waiting for the president to give his speech when a report came on about 9/11 conspiracy theories.
This wasn't just a brief, "some people believe the truth has been covered up," story, this was an active forum for these ridiculous people to express their horrible views on one of our nations most hallowed days.
It would be like allowing people to say it was American Planes that attacked Pearl Harbor while we were still actively fighting World War 2.
Now don't get me wrong: I think the fact that these conspiracy theorists are out there should be reported on. However, to give them air time on such a horrible day in our nation's history was a bad decision. Come on Fox News, think a little bit about the history of this day and, just for once, consider that you have a responsibility as journalists to remember the families of those that died on that day.

It's Alive!!!

2006-09-11T11:30:00.000-04:00

I was stuck in a very heavy work cycle last week thanks to the shortened Labor Day week and a business trip to beautiful Yadkin Valley, North Carolina. As a result, my post were significantly shorter than usual and very picture reliant. I have opined before on this blog that I believe pictures are almost as important to blogging as the words, as I believe the internet is a perfectly balanced visual/written medium. That being said, I didn't have the balance I wanted because of my lack of time, and so I wasn't exactly in love with the blogging, but I didn't want to mess up my schedule of posting every work day.
So much to my delight and surprise, I received my first eerie validation that, oh yeah, this blog is available to anyone everywhere! The bonus-point earning comment on Alessandra Ambrosio's identity post was revealed to me by my wife, who made a specific, excited phone call to my cell late Thursday night to reveal this fact. It was a strange feeling, this odd and overwhelming realization anything I am now typing is not only available for public consumption, but is actively being consumed. Talk about pressure!
Now I ask myself? How does this affect what I write? I graduated from college with an extremely heave focus in nonfiction writing, and so I am constantly aware of how my words sound, how they may be viewed by my audience, and the difficulty of creating something that you want people to derive a very specific meaning from, especially since everyone brings different perspectives and histories to what they read.
Didn't I post Ms. Ambrosio with the intention of interacting with my audience? After all, if I just wanted to see sexy pictures of Victoria's Secret models I could just use google image search and have a near endless stream.
So hear I am, deciding between two options: willingly acknowledge that I am writing this for others, or fighting that urge. I choose a third option: choose day to day whether I will post in a manner that demands response, or write simply without any concern for audience.
Look at me, I'm getting all philisophical about blogging now and I've only been doing this for a couple months.

Cute Kitten Friday!

2006-09-07T09:10:00.000-04:00

Back by popular demand!

Victoria's Secret Model Thursday!!!

2006-09-07T09:09:00.000-04:00

For 15 Bonus Points! Name this model!!!

Don't you love it when I'm busy at work? This means I can post half-naked supermodels!!!

Sweet Victory, Taste It!

2006-09-06T10:11:00.000-04:00

Nearly 2 years after I declared to the ESPN.com editors that I would no longer be visiting their site due to their firing of Gregg Easterbrook, I'm back!
How could I go back on my self-imposed boycott, you ask? Because ESPN.com caved to my demands and reinstated Easterbrook and his Tuesday Morning Quarterback column! Can you smell that people! That is the smell of victory!
The long story short here is that Easterbrook wrote a column in The New Republic saying that Disney executives should have a moral problem with the movie Kill Bill, which was distributed by Disney subsidiary Miramax, because they are Jewish. ESPN, which is owned by Disney, promptly fired Easterbrook without any explanation. When I discovered this fact I emailed the ESPN.com staff that I would not visit ESPN.com again until Easterbrook was reinstated.
Now that ESPN.com has caved to my demands I am declaring victory for myself and all true fans of Tuesday Morning Quarterback. Huzzah!
Visit Page 2 on ESPN.com now for the most unique football column in the world.
Go Gregg! We're behind you all the way!

Victoria's Secret Model Tuesday!!!

2006-09-05T09:36:00.000-04:00

Work is slightly overwhelming at the moment, so here is a picture we can all enjoy. 15 bonus points if you can name this model. Good luck!

Where in the World is...

2006-08-31T15:39:00.000-04:00

Free Matt Lauer!
Down with Couric!
Free Matt Lauer!
Down with Couric!
Free Matt Lauer!
Down with Couric!
Free Matt Lauer!
Down with Couric!
Free Matt Lauer!
Down with Couric!
Free Matt Lauer!
Down with Couric!
Free Matt Lauer!
Down with Couric!
Free Matt Lauer!
Down with Couric!
Free Matt Lauer!
Down with Couric!

Yeah, this makes sense if you read the previous post...

Couric is the Devil

2006-08-31T07:52:00.000-04:00

Once again "America's Anchorwoman" is demonstrating her not-so-subtle witches sorcery by instantaeously losing 25 pounds. As you can see in these disturbing pictures, which were taken within 1/72nd of a second of each other, Couric was able to lose those love handles that we all loved to grab onto while we were nailing her doggystyle.
Matt Lauer is said to be extremely disappointed by Couric's slimmed figure, "It was bad enough when she abandoned me in the morning, now when she commands sexual favors from me I'll be hitting those bony hips rather than a nice, bouncy ass. Isn't it better when you've got something to pad the entry point back there? Seriously."
Rumor has it that Couric turned Lauer into a Shetland Pony after these comments, more on this possible development tomorrow.
Couric, who is 78 but claims to be slightly younger, has been the target of NBC's hatred since leaving their famous Today Show in favor of an anchor position at the failing CBS evening news. As a result, CBS will split the next group of survivors on their hit reality show into three groups, those that liked Couric on Today, those that like Couric on the evening news, and those that she has used her devil's trickery on in order to derive sexual pleasure from.
It appears that David Bowie, Nelly Furtado, Roger Waters, Sean Connery, Stephen King, Daisy Fuentes, Betty White and Conan O'Brien will all be contestants on the upcoming Survivor season, but it isn't clear yet which group they will be allocated to.
It is unclear how long Couric's witches weight loss plan will remain effective, but what is clear is that her power is clearly growing since her move closer to the evening and the devil's hour of midnight.

The Moral of the Story Is...

2006-08-30T07:53:00.000-04:00

I rarely, if ever, pass forwards from my email along. I find them to be as annoying as chain letters, usually, but in a way it has dramatically increased society's ability to share jokes or anecdotes at an extremely rapid pace. Here is something that I found to be hilarious and disturbingly true. Although, with the current behavior of congress, I would change the final line to "vote libertarian." Enjoy.

THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER

OLD VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!

________________________________________________________________

MODERN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. CBS, NBC, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green."

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake

Tom Daschle & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."

Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act" retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY

Vote Republican

Sleep Deprivation = Sexy Thoughts

2006-08-29T02:08:00.000-04:00

It's two o'clock in the morning and I cannot sleep. Don't get me wrong: I fell asleep approximately 5 hours ago, but now I am awake and have been for the last two hours. I think I woke up from either that small thunderstorm we had passing over us, or my cat laying in between my legs, forcing me into a moderately uncomfortable position. After laying in bed for approximately a half hour, I turned the air conditioning up some because our apartment was a little bit warmer and more humid than I would've liked. This helped, but the more I lay there, trying to relax, the more my mind began to race and keep me awake.
At 1:00 AM I gave serious thought to waking the wife up and demanding sex, although she was exhausted today from not getting enough sleep Sunday, and I had a better chance of being told, "No, go to sleep, it's 1 AM," than hearing, "Sex now? Yes, please. I am feeling significantly more horny than sleepy."
So then my mind went to possibly putting porn in the DVD player in our bedroom. Certainly Jenna Jameson and Shay Sweet moaning in Briana Loves Jenna would arose her attentions, but then again I might make her pissed off from being awoken on a week night to porn, and the last thing I want her to remember about porn is, "My damn husband woke me up last night, wacking off to a couple lesbians." For the record, I believe Jenna and Shay are "bi-curious".
Ok, maybe there is nothing curious about those two, we've pretty much seen it all and they've done it all. Except anal on film. When do you think Jenna will do her first anal scene? I've got the handicapping on two years. There is this great scene with Jenna and Jewel De'Nyle in I Dream of Jenna where Jewel sticks a finger and Jenna's ass and Jenna goes, "Hello!" In complete surprise. It is hilarious because Jenna is completely uncomfortable, but Jewel says, "Don't you fucking tighten up on me!" before she jams a second finger in. Classic.
I think I've seen too many of the J. Grdina era Jenna movies. I hope it works out between them because they've done some awesome porn together. Fuck this gonzo stuff. There are only so many times I can see some barely legal teen get interviewed, sound moronic, and then get molested by some guy that looks like he just got back from Sturgis (Harley reference, if that was a little to esoteric for some of you.)
So now I'm back to the front of my computer, writing Tuesday's post after I did some work on my company's newsletter. It is strange to go from writing in my patented propogandistic way to blogging, but so far so good. Now if only I don't get hit by a super dangerous, ultra deadly, run for your life people, category nothing tropical storm, I'll be okay.

Colossal Meteorlogical Copulation

2006-08-28T13:27:00.001-04:00

Fuck Hurricane Ernesto - Oh, wait, that's right. You're not even a hurricane! As of this writing, you're sitting over Castro's hospital, raining away as a tropical storm. That's right: all you are is a bad cold front over water. If you were closer to Indiana I'd make you my weather bitch and force you to clean my patio and water my bushes you wannabe storm.
Fuck the Media - This "hurricane" is being treated with the identical adjectives and terror that is associated with level 3 or 4 storms. As a result, people don't know whether to run, hide, or sit on the crow's nest ala' Forrest Gump and laugh their way through it. I think there needs to be a serious realization that all we do with this panic-inducing language is kill people. People die because they don't know whether this storm is serious and coming their way, or if it will shoot hundred of miles east and cost them the time and money to leave town and not work. There needs to be a better definition of these storms and the language of panic the media is using.
Fuck Meteorologists - About a week ago little tropical depression Ernesto was headed towards Texas/Mexico, and wasn't likely to strengthen above a level 1, because the water in the southern gulf wasn't as warm as the northern gulf waters. About three days ago Ernesto was headed East of New Orleans and was going to be a category 3, perhaps kicking N'Oleans (George Bush doesn't care about muppets) ass again. Now, Ernesto is my gardener bitch and will kind of maybe hit Miami/Florida Keys-ish, if it doesn't end up in the middle of the Atlantic, which is where it will probably end up the way things are going.
Fuck Storm Reporters - If you can't stand up straight, don't report. If you are going to tell people to leave their homes: leave yourself. Remember the NBC reporter that was in a canoe, trying to talk about how horrible the flooding was after a hurricane, and two people walked right in front of her (through the water she was canoeing in) and she realized that the dramatic little report she had planned just revealed itself to be total bullshit! I couldn't have been happier to see reporters fall flat on their face. On the great Ego scale, right after politicians is reporters, and to see either screw up is great.

R.I.P. Pluto, 1930-2006

2006-08-25T07:48:00.000-04:00

The Planet Pluto, 76, died yesterday at the hands of a few scientists in Prague. Apparently, these scientists decided that 76 years of history was not enough to allow this massive rock orbiting the sun a chance at continued life. There is something to be said for tradition, after all, and just because Pluto doesn't perfectly fit some model of planetary definition, doesn't mean it has to be stricken from our school books and down-graded to "dwarf" status, which I find incredibly insulting to little people.
I'm not sure exactly what the criteria are for being a planet, because that is information that apparently these wacky astronomers decided it wasn't necessary to really explain to us simpletons. Secondly, who granted these brainy morons the power to decide status in our universe? I don't recall deciding who would represent me on the international board of astometrics, or what ever it is called. Did Bush appoint them? Is this like being a federal judge? I've met some wacky astronomers in my time, and I can assure you that they are some of the most over-thinking, self-indulgent, overly-critical group of people you will ever meet.
It really is too bad for Pluto, he is survived by the Sun and eight siblings, including multiple relatives such as the asteroid belt, the moon, and Halley's Comet.
Did you ever notice that our moon is just called: "The Moon," but we give legitimate names to ever other moon we can see? What should be the name for our moon?
Maybe Pluto? I hear that name is available now.

Thank You Blogger!

2006-08-24T08:13:00.000-04:00

I feel whole again thanks to the Blogger support team. Somehow or other my ability to post pictures has been restored, and this makes me much happier. I could stand on a picnic table and do the happy dance! As a result, I went back to my previous two posts and corrected the pictures on them, so now I can see Scarlett Johansson on my Mac and you can see the ridiculous people involved in the racial standoff, I mean, Survivor. This reminds me of Chappelle's Racial Draft, which was one of his greatest skits, right up there with Clayton Bigsby, The Niggar Family, and Rick James. "Fuck Your Couch, Nigga, Fuck Your Couch!" Classic.
Anyways, the Mike and Mike "Man Up" question of the day was whether it was appropriate after a shower to walk around with either a towel wrapped around your waist or go naked, if you and your wife are the only one's home. Golic (the professor of manology) says that you absolutely should go naked, and be proud of it! Preach, brother, preach!
Personally, I think that the more you can be naked the better. Now I'm not saying you should be a nudist, after all there are pretty disgusting things about the human body that shouldn't be forced upon the general populace. Can you imagine a nudist colony if someone had diareha? Eww! Why the hell did I think of that? Gross!
Nonetheless, if you and the wife (or girlfriend) are by yourselves, there is no reason to be all self concious. Personally, I view boxers as extremely casual shorts, and frequently take the trash out, or go through a drive-thru while wearing them. Is this wrong? Hell No!
We spend way to much of our lives dressed up and I think the world would be a better place if more people toned it down with greater frequency. That isn't to say don't get dressed up: it just is my belief that sometimes spending 90% of your day in pajamas is like a vacation without that whole driving and spending money thing. A mental break: that's what wearing sleepwear at 4:00 in the afternoon is.

Picture Problems/Race Relations

2006-08-23T13:12:00.000-04:00

When I was being trained as an editor for my high school newspaper, I was taught the "Dollar Bill Rule." Essentially, this states that you shouldn't be able to place a dollar bill on the paper and have it cover just text. The reason for this rule is to keep the paper from visually intimidating, and I have found it to be one of the most common sense and basic design ideas to explain to someone.
Unfortunately, blogger is having problems and won't let me post pictures. I managed to somehow get the William Shatner picture up a day late, and I convinced Internet Explorer to put the Scarlett Johansson pictures up, although my Mac cannot view them. Grrrrrrr...
As a result my posting feels limited, because, frankly, I think pictures are essential to the internet and especially blogging. Sure, I can write a post that is interesting, but I feel that the picture is almost as essential because it completes the post.

Nonetheless, did you hear about the upcoming Survivor season? They're going to have four tribes: whites, blacks, hispanics, and asians.

I am serious. This is real. I am not making this up.

I wish I was.

The sadder thing is, I actually want to watch it. I haven't watched a season of survivor since the Australian Outback and a few episodes of the all-star season. The question is: are they going to weight the challenges towards certain teams? For instance, the could have a math contest for the asians to win, a wall climbing challenge for the hispanics, a sports game for the black tribe, and a "Most Oppresive to the other tribes" challenge that the whites have historically dominated in.

Well, I'm glad after the ridiculousness of the Hurricane Katrina incident (George Bush doesn't care about black people), that we've finally managed to put our racial differences behind us and realize that we all share the common interest of being Americans. Except for the Hispanics. They're all Mexican and should go home. Except for the Cubans. I love the Cubans.

Take a joke people. Unfortunately, the Survivor Season, despite my humor, is still real. Maybe if I find a way to post a picture to this I'll feel better about it.

Scarlett

2006-08-22T13:45:00.000-04:00

I was going to post something thoughtful today, but for some reason I kept writing about how annoyed I was with the attitude people have towards the post-X generation, and how they claim we're lazy and feel entitled.
Like I was saying, everything I kept writing was more mean than thoughtful, so I decided to shelve the idea and post pictures of Scarlett Johansson instead. My wife will like these maybe even more than me. These are for you sweetheart!

To Boldly Go...

2006-08-21T10:30:00.000-04:00

Here are some observations concerning yesterday's Roast of William Shatner on comedy central:

1. Farrah Fawcett, Courtney Love, and other synonyms - Apparently every Comedy Central Roast must have at least one drugged-out, kind of attractive but not really, b-list celebrity. To give Fawcett credit, she definitely was hotter than Love, but sounded more stupid than drunk and stoned. Love definitely was the poster child failed rehab patients, but Fawcett just looked like she took five Vicodins and really, really, really just wanted everyone to like her. Perhaps this is why she looked so pleased when male comedian after male comedian talked about masturbating to her in the 70's. I propose that the next Roast on Comedy Central be David Hasselhoff, and the synonym that time be Yasmine Bleeth. Wait, is she dead?
2. George Takei is Hilarious! - Did he have writers? Probably. Did he rehearse? Probably. Was his comic timing brilliant? Absolutely! I predict (sorry, let me put on my jeweled turban, light some incense, and grab my voodoo skull) that Takei will appear in showbusiness more now that he has come out of the closet (Tom Cruise, come out of the closet) and proved that he has a lot more comic potential than anyone ever expected. The best part? By the time the night was over Takei had fucked, given, or gotten head from nearly everyone on stage, at least according to the roasters. All of this Takei took in stride, and then zinged everyone that thought they had gotten him earlier. Impressive for someone that virtually disappeared off the showbusiness map for decades.
3. Andy Dick, Come Out of the Closet! - Not only is Andy Dick a flaming homosexual, he also is quite possibly the most annoying, spotlight hogging, Tom Green disciple of all time! What is a Tom Green disciple? It is someone that realizes they are so talentless that the only way they will get attention is if they constantly find outrageous or ridiculous pranks to do on camera. Apparently, Dick decided that his schtick at the Roast would be to lick everyone he could get near. After licking Carrie Fisher (who took it in stride, licking Dick (hehe) back) Dick then went on to find anyone that was being discussed and attempting to lick them. I believe I caught Shatner at the end virtually choking Dick (this is seriously not intentional, folks) in order to keep his filth off him. Will someone please send Dick onto the D-list of celebrities? You know, the one with Kathy Griffin and Janeanne Garaffolo? Thanks.
4. Have a Drink Maximum - After painfully watching Artie Lange (of the Howard Stern Show) slur through his bit, which I vaguely remember finding funny, I realize that maybe if he wasn't sloshed when the time to do his bit came, I would remember more about it other than, "Jesus, why is that fat drunk man harrassing Mr. Shatner?" Here is what I propose: Have a drink maximum prior to their speech, and then let them have their fun after this. This could even be weighted depending on the person. For instance, Fawcett is allowed no drinks before her speech, whereas Lange is allowed four (he's a big guy). Someone who has traditionally carried themselves with dignity, such as Takei and Betty White, have no maximums, but the bartenders (who apparently were dressed as green alien ladies) should use their best judgement. If this rule was in effect I might know what the hell Lange spoke about.
5. Leave the Horse Home - If I was at the Roast, that title for this section would've been a Lisa Lampinelli joke, but since I am sitting in front of my computer instead, I am referring to the horse that Shatner actually rode in on. What the hell did this have to do with anything? Did Kirk ride a horse? Did Hooker ride a horse? Do Boston lawyers ride horses? (Yeah, I don't watch that show so I don't know his character's name.) Of course not! Bill, get off the horse, get back on the wagon (zing!), and beam yourself in! That or ride on a big fake spaceship. Now THAT would've been fitting. Oh, yeah, and Andy Dick's bit about being Kirk and Spock's butt baby was lame. Andy Dick, come out of the closet and die!

The Typical American Family

2006-08-18T08:18:00.000-04:00

The mysterious Sam Sugar (www.sugarbank.com) has been recently posting interviews about porn with "the typical American family." Strangely enough, the typical American family also happens to be the Family Guy characters. Here is an excerpt of what he has been posting:

Sam Sugar: Lois, what was your first experience of pornography like?

Lois Griffin:: Making or viewing?

Sam Sugar: Either.

Lois Griffin:: I wasn’t always a good girl you know. Just after high-school a guy approached me and my friend at the beach. He asked if we were eighteen and when we said yes he asked if we wanted to be in a movie.

Sam Sugar: Okay.

Lois Griffin:: He took us to this huge house where there was a guy with a video camera and another rich looking guy with this German Shepherd. The guy with the dog said “So these are my girls…” and the guy from the beach said he wanted me and my girlfriend Julie to perform with the dog…

Sam Sugar: Woah. Lois, sorry to interrupt but are you sure you want to talk about this?

Lois Griffin:: Why not? We had to pretend the dog was ours and the rich guy was our dad. We each got fifty dollars. I’ve not done anything like it in such a long time.

Sam Sugar: Wow.

Lois Griffin:: ‘Bitches Brew’ dog food. My first commercial.

So far Sugar has posted Peter, Lois, and Meg. With the hilarity and web publicity that is sure to follow this, I'm sure he'll be finishing up the family over the next few days. Check it out on sugarbank.com.

Britney Separates From Kevin - Now Dating Afroman!!!

2006-08-17T07:36:00.000-04:00

The following report is a Clear Thinker exclusive!

Trailer Park, AL - The Clear Thinker has learned that Britney Spears, who is most recently famous for her television show "Chaotic," with husband Kevin Federline, has seperated from Federline and begun dating rapper and notorious pothead, Afroman. Friends and family expressed concern for the relationship after a video surfaced on internet site Youtube.com, featuring Britney apparently under the influence of marijuana.
Federline, who is proudly showing this video in malls across the country and declaring, "I told you I was the smart one! Who wants me to be their baby daddy?" has asked for privacy during this difficult time.
"If you want to know more about this heartbreak I'm experiencing go pick up my first album - it drops any day now," Federline said.
"First album? That better be that nigga's only album!" DMX said when reached for comment concerning the aspiring rappers project.
Spears herself has been seen publicly with Afroman in recent days, including on a beach in celebrity hot-spot, Malibu. "That bitch just need someone to come in and lay the pipe! By pipe I of course mean bong, because after all the weed I smoked my dick is the size of Papa Smurf's forearm, wait, who's this white bitch again?" Afroman pondered, when reached for comment.
Representatives for Spears are in damage control mode, including Britney's mother, who has long defended her daughter, "Britney is a smart girl who needs her space, and if the media...oh, hell. Fuck this. My daughter has clear lost ninety percent of her brain cells since leaving the home, and is apparently trying to smoke her way onto the cover of "High Times." If anyone sees her will they tell her mommy loves her despite the fact that she's a dirty little whore?"
When asked if Federline had anything to do with her daughter's downfall, the elder Spears was brief: "No, Kevin was clearly the smart one."
After several hours of negotiations, the Clear Thinker was finally able to trade Britney three dime bags and a one-hitter for this response to the impending divorce, "HUH!?!?!?"

Poetry Slam Wednesday!

2006-08-16T07:51:00.000-04:00

For some reason I woke up this morning feeling moderately intellectual. As a result I've decided that for todays post I'm going to share with you my favorite piece of poetry, which I think is full enough of metaphor and graphic enough for the general populace to appreciate. Poetry was never something that I could write and be happy with the results. Don't get me wrong: I have written poetry that is very good, but I would have to dig through the hundreds of poems I've written in college courses to just find a dozen that might be worthy of publishing in a collection. Even that might be a stretch. However, I am very capable of recognizing good poetry, and know the style of poetry I like. Here is one now:

The Second Coming

by: W. B. Yeats

Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.

Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the Second Coming is at hand.
The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out
When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi
Troubles my sight: somewhere in sands of the desert
A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds.
The darkness drops again; but now I know
That twenty centuries of stony sleep
Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?

Not a Classic

2006-08-15T07:58:00.000-04:00

I was in the middle of showering this morning when the shower radio, tuned to our best local hip-hop/rap station announced they were going all the way back to 1999 for a throwback hit. Other than the fact that I was extremely disturbed that 1999 was "old school," I was excited when ODB's "Got your Money" started to play.
I got to thinking: of the current top 40, which one of those songs will we look back on as being hits, and therefore play them in seven years as "old school" hits.
Here are the current top ten:
1. London Bridge - Fergie
2. Crazy - Gnarls Barkley
3. Promiscuous Girl - Nelly Furtado
4. Me & U - Cassie
5. It's Goin' Down - Yung Joc
6. Deja Vu - Beyonce & Jay-Z (I thought he retired from "The Game")
7. Hips Don't Lie - Shakira & Wyclef Jean
8. Give It Up To Me - Sean Paul
9. Ain't No Other Man - Christina Aguilera
10. Buttons - Pussycat Dolls

Let's go through the list:

1. London Bridge - Fergie has zero musical talent and should be blowing every one of the Black Eyed Peas for getting her this far. That is probably how she got the job, anyways. She definitely will not be played in 10 years, let alone 10 months.
2. Crazy - This is interesting because this song is just eclectic enough to be memorable and played for the "aww, sweet, I remember this!" factor. I'll argue in favor here.
3. Promiscuous Girl - I think that this may have a chance because the beat/duo factor thanks to Timbaland may keep this on hip-hop radio the same way you still here old Aaliyah songs.
4. Me & U - Me & U better not quit our day jobs
5. It's Goin' Down - Finally, we get to this month's Rapper. Last month it was Chamillionaire. Who will it be next month? Stay Tuned!!!
6. Deja Vu - There will be a lot of Beyonce played in 10 years still, but I wouldn't put this song very high on the list of possibilities.
7. Hips Don't Lie - Remember the last song Shakira came out with? Didn't think so. This has a good chance if it wins any Grammys, which it just might.
8. Give It Up To Me - Nothing with Sean Paul, A.K.A. the whitest Jamaican ever, will ever be on the future play list.
9. Ain't No Other Man - Li'l Madonna wannabe has proven she has more staying power than either Britney or Jessica based purely on musical talent. We'll see if she can ride that wave for about five more years. If she does, then her music in general has a chance.
10. Buttons - Ha!

On a side note - Paris Hilton is #18...

After Party, Baby!

2006-08-14T07:40:00.000-04:00

From about 11:30 AM to 2:00 AM I was in a perpetual state of ceremony/party. If you have an early afternoon wedding that is fine, but just be aware that the reception will be ending at about 5/6 PM because no one wants to hang out during dinner time and they're certainly not going to eat hors d'ouerves that have been sitting for four hours.
My friend, we'll call him "Kevin" got married this weekend and decided to have one of those 1 PM wedding times. Personally, I have always been a fan of the evening wedding because the reception always is more enjoyable (I worked in catering for about 8 years. I know these things.) As a solution to this potential problem, "Kevin" decided to have the wedding, have the reception, and then throw an afterparty immediately following the reception until whenever the kegs blew or people went home.
In sober retrospect, the after party was great fun because it was primarily a younger crowd and the atmosphere was more relaxed. However, for some reason "Kevin" and his new bride were at the after party! GO HOME AND FUCK YOUR NEW WIFE YOU LIMP-DICKED EUNUCH!
I can party for a long time, but after about twelve hours of suit-wearing, ceremony participating, drunken partying, even I start to wear down. The next morning, my legs were cramped from the toxins in my system, but I didn't have a hangover! Of course, a lot of that fact has to do with being at my peak drunkeness by 6 PM and spending the next 8 hours coming off of it slowly. Anyways: here is some advice for people getting married:
1. Date for at least 3 years before you take the plunge
2. Date through at least one "tragedy" in the family
3. Don't get married until you've had a major fight
4. Have an evening wedding if you want a great reception
5. have sex that night, regardless of how tired you are
6. don't smash the cake in your bride's face!

there are a lot more, but I should probably stop there.

Cute Kitty Friday!

2006-08-11T07:41:00.000-04:00

Nothing can quite help you forget about the stressful week and prepare you for the weekend better than a cute kitten picture! Tell me you don't feel better already!
One of my longtime friends is getting married Saturday, so I imagine Monday's post will be...informative. See you then!

Brilliant Bulls

2006-08-10T08:06:00.000-04:00

Everyday I learn a little more about marketing. Since this is my primary job I guess this a good thing. In general, here is how to have successful marketing:
1. Identify the product to be marketed
2. Identify the target audience
3. Give the target audience a reason to try/learn more about the product
This involves one of two things. Either place your corporate image in front of your audience as much as possible, creating a common "look" that will encourage brand recognition, or focus your product on a very distinct group of people, relying on word of mouth to carry you the rest of the way.
For large companies, the former is how they manage to stay at the top of their game. For smaller companies, with much more limited budgets, the latter is necessary and can sometimes be effective.
I have to, however, admire Red Bull for their combination of the two. I challenge you to find a Red Bull shirt, hat, or other memorabilia with their logo on it. I guarantee you won't because Red Bull doesn't manufacture these "promotional" items. Instead they have created an underground image, but still manage to maintain their mainstream success. Unlike other energy drink companies, such as Monster, Boo-Koo, or NOS, which rely on the constant distribution of promotional materials to drive sales, Red Bull has taken an odd size can, found shelf space nationwide, and keeps their name constantly in front of the American public, without actually marketing in the traditional manner. I know people that would kill to have a Red Bull cooler or mini-fridge, but these are items that you have to "know" someone to receive.
Don't get me wrong, Red Bull is still the king of give-aways. Anytime you see the little Red Bull cars pull up somewhere it is like watching ants flock to a sugar cube. However, with the profit margin on those little cans of hyperactivity Red Bull knows that for every can they give away there is guaranteed profit on the next can sold.
I, who happen to have some minor connections in the Red Bull team, have probably walked away with nearly 100 free cans of Red Bull in the last year. However, given that I also have bought approximately the same amount (if not more) in the same period of time, Red Bull is coming out well ahead in this arrangement.
Why did I buy this Red Bull? Is it because I like the product? Absolutely. But I also like Diet Pepsi but don't proudly declare it when given the opportunity. The truth, and this is key, is that Red Bull has created the best corporate image by being "to cool for school" when it comes to promo items. Their image is one of exclusivity and a certain uniqueness that makes you feel good about just holding a Red Bull in your hands.
This is what you want. When people proudly declare that they are Red Bull drinkers you have the best advertising in the world. A perfect combination of big corporate dollars and small business attitude.

Chinese Buffet

2006-08-09T08:43:00.000-04:00

Top 5 foods at Chinese Buffets:

1. Potstickers - These little dumplings are great. Warm on the inside, a little bit of crunch on the outside (but not too much,) I could eat just these if I thought they'd let me. Okay, maybe not just these, but they certaintly dominate the plate.
2. Crab Rangoon - Are you kidding me? There's no way the Chinese actually eat crab and cream cheese wrapped in a pastry and fried. However, for us wealthy Americans this is like heaven. Lord help me, Crab Rangoon almost was number one.
3. Beef On Stick - I am a firm believer that any food placed on a stick automatically becomes better. This is one of the best examples of this fact. Seriously: someone is going to put meat on a stick and barbecue it? It's hard to find something better in any cuisine.
4. Chinese Donut - How to make this dish: take small balls of dough. Fry them. Roll them in sugar. Put them on buffet and watch people consume the heck out of them. What really makes Chinese Donuts good is the fact that they are kept warm. kind of like Krispy Creme's straight from the store!
5. Sauteed Green Beans - You heard me! These little green soldiers humbly await in the main course section of the buffet, and boy are they tasty. I think that if America cooked more vegetables this way we wouldn't have to tell kids to eat them when they were young. Sauteed Green Beans for all!

Three Steps to Proper Cussing

2006-08-08T08:37:00.000-04:00

1. Originality - The first key to proper cussing is to be sure to think originally. Now, this doesn't mean you can't say something that hasn't already been said, but be sure to put your own twist on it and use combinations of words that aren't often seen together. In addition, you get bonus points if your original cuss words aren't cuss words at all. For example:

"Streisand"
"Donut"
"Donkey"
"Midget"
"Pirate"
"Turtle"

I think you get the idea.

2. Minimize Fuck - If you drop the F-bomb more than once (even twice can be acceptable if the cuss-train is long enough) then you destroy the impact of the word. This applies to almost all cuss words, but especially Fuck. Fuck is so commonly used now to ilicit reaction that it no longer carries that same punch it did in the Pulp Fiction era. I've had sales people say Fuck on the phone and it didn't even occur to me until way after the conversation was over. Feel free to use Fuck, but just be sure you can say it with rhythm and confidence. For Example:

"I'm a mushroom cloud laying mother-fucker, mother-fucker"
"Fuck the Fucking Fuckers" (acceptable because of the over-use, I never said this was easy)
"I wouldn't Fuck her with YOUR Dick"

Remember: confidence and rhythm are the keys, just don't kill it!

3. Extend the Line - The more words you can string together in any giving cussing scenario the better. If you only use two cuss words, then it is amateur hour. Three is better, but four is best and five is where things get impressive. I can best illustrate this with examples:

"Donkey-Raping Shit Eater"
"Ram-rod Ass Hat"
"Toad Fucking midget collector"
"Shit-faced ignorant cock-master"

See, chains of cussing only adds to the effect. Now let's try some:

"Pussy Drunk Cunt Magnet"
"Upside-Down Turtle Fucker"
"Ass Collecting Shit Eater"
"Homosexual Pirate Queen" (notice: sounds horrible without any "cuss" words)
"Dog-Faced, Tic-Tac Dicked, Dwarf Molester"

Practice at home, kids!

The Wait is OVER!

2006-08-07T07:57:00.000-04:00

Sorry, toebashers, but manly football is back on the scene with the annual Hall of Fame game played last night. This was the first night for Sunday Night Football on NBC, and I must say that they did a fabulous job. While I only saw about the first quarter (much to my delight I was otherwise occupied after this point) I was moderately impressed with the Eagles ability to move the ball this well early in the preseason. Granted, they were playing 6 hours from home in Ohio and the Raiders were in a different time zone and not exactly anywhere near the level of competition the Eagles will face in their division, it was still a good game. Sebastian Janikowski won it for the Raiders with three solid field goals, two of which came from the 50 yard line and beyond.
Madden, fresh off his much deserved Hall of Fame induction, took to the broadcast both with Al Michaels in what has become the premiere booth team in all of professional sports. With Michaels' clean delivery and Madden's knowledge of the game Sunday night is looking better than ever, which is good because I hated the three man booth ESPN put together for their Sunday broadcast. I hope those idiots aren't going to do Monday night now.
On a side note, a couple years ago Gregg Easterbrook was fired from his writing position for ESPN.com when he criticized, in another article he wrote for his "real" job, Disney executives for promoting/allowing extremely violent movies to be made despite their Jewish values. His column, "Tuesday Morning Quarterback," is one of the great bastions for nerd football analysis, which goes in depth on every game each week, overall league and player trends, but still manages to go completely off subject with obscure science references and esoteric television analysis. After ESPN.com fired Easterbrook I sent an email to ESPN.com that simply read: "I believe your firing of Gregg Easterbrook was unjustified. Until his column appears on this website again I will no longer visit ESPN.com."
I haven't since.
This is one of the few instances where I have maintained a successful boycott of something that I completely disagreed with or disliked. When I think about it, I wonder how many boycotts succeed, and whether or not they are followed through with. My email announcing my boycott probably didn't even register in ESPN.com's system and even if someone read it, do they actually believe I will stop visiting their website?
Easterbrook now writes "Tuesday Morning Quarterback" on NFL.com, and as a result I now visit NFL.com on a regular basis. I still amaze myself that I am able to keep the boycott running, and I hope someday ESPN admits the error of their ways and brings Easterbrook back. Sports and discussions of Stargate Quantum Mechanics will not be the same until this happens.

Indeed!

2006-08-04T12:32:00.000-04:00

I couldn't agree more.

What is it Good For?

2006-08-03T10:13:00.000-04:00

With Israel currently embroiled in the conflict with the Hezbo's (Rush coined that term,) it made me think about what Israel and America could do to win the war on terror. These ideas aren't new, but they are somewhat suprising in our media-driven, post-Vietnam and entitled baby boomer culture.
Essentially, if Israel was to reach forth the full might of it's military, it could wipe Hezbollah and anyone who supports it from the map. Some innocent people might die.
If we wanted to eliminate the Middle Eastern threat from the world, it would take less than a month for us to turn the entire region into a oil-rich sandbox.
Instead, we are concerned with "public perception" and how the "world views us." Believe me, if we were to use even half of the force our military can put forth, we would live in peace for decades because no one would be foolish enough to challenge us.
In World War 2, millions of civilians were killed on both sides. Germany was defeated when their borders were broken and their military was crush. Japan is a different case. We defeated Japan by destroying their desire to do battle with us. The millions that died in the atomic blasts and fire-bombing of Japanese city pale in comparison to the numbers that would have died if an invasion occurred.
Essentially, the goal of war in this modern age is no longer correct. We seek to eliminate the enemies ABILITY to fight, when we should be eliminating the enemies WILL to fight. When the people of the Middle East decide it is no longer worth the pain of supporting these terrorist groups, they will cease to support them.
We have to destroy the WILL of our enemies. We did this in Japan, and look at the relationship we have now. They are one of our closest economic allies, and rely on us for military protection. The longer it takes us to defeat these terrorist groups, the more time they have to increase their numbers. Keep the cameras out. Send the marines in. We did this in Falujjah and the city is virtually peaceful. Learn from history for once!

Why I Love Golf

2006-08-02T07:46:00.000-04:00

For people that don't play golf, and I by no means am a professional or even a good golfer, it can be hard to understand the appeal. If I wanted to, I could describe golf in a manner that seemed tedious and abusive rather than the enjoyable experience it is for me when I get a chance to play it. However, I think that this is a good opportunity to lay down the arguement in favor of golf.
1. It is 100% Mental - Unlike other professional sports, such as baseball, football, or basketball, golf is a game that nearly everyone can play and be successful at regardless of their physical abilities. Sure, there are disabilities that may exclude some, but in general golf is a game that cannot be muscled and, in fact, the more you try to impose your physical will in the game the more likely you are to fail. Being a bigger guy, with the muscle or physical skills to be successful at the other aforementioned sports, there is an incredible appeal to having to use one's mind exclusively to be successful. Professional example: Tiger Woods is not incredibly strong or has any physical feature that makes him stand out against other golfers. John Daly, on the other hand, is a man that has a physical presence that is unmatched. However, Tiger's focus makes him one of the best players in the game, and his attention to detail makes him, more than likely, the best golfer in history. Is Tiger in shape? Absolutely. So is most of the PGA tour. But the focus Tiger has displayed, even in the most pressure filled and difficult circumstances, make him the G.O.A.T. - greatest of all time.
2. You will Never Play the Same Round - Every other sport has a set field of play that doesn't vary (baseball may have different stadiums, but only the distance to the outfield walls varies, and this is just to influence the amount of offense, it hardly effects anything meaningful.) In golf, however, the courses you can play on are each dramatically different, and the conditions are all incredibly variable. Between two rounds the course can completely change, depending on the time of day played, the grounds keepers, the weather before and during the round, and a variety of other external factors (whether you drank coffee that morning, for instance. Don't think this can have an affect? Imagine trying to hit a golf ball on a calm day while your completely relaxed. Now drink 3 Red Bulls. See the difference?
Even if the conditions are identical, which I would argue is impossible, there is still the human factor of the player. If you can swing the golf club identically every time, go play professionally. You'll make millions in endorsements. In golf, where there are so many clubs and different balls to choose from, variety and variance far exceeds the equipment, and therefore the potential for the human effect, which is essentially what guarantees you'll never hit the same shot twice.
3. It's Nature, Baby! - I can't think of another sport that places such an emphasis on the aestetics of the playing surface. When a golfer talks about a great course, the beauty of the course may actually be the biggest factor in deciding greatness. Pebble Beach is a challenging course, but is the location and quality of each hole that makes it legendary. Augusta National hosts The Masters every year, but the course is envied for aestetic reasons more than anything. You'll never see someone with a picture of first base or the 50 yard line in their office, but you will see people with the green of one hole on a famous course hanging.
Besides the emphasis on beauty, golf courses are traditionally "impossible" to simply create. Unlike a stadium, which a team of architects crafts, golf courses are usually forced to follow whatever path the land is willing to provide. Sure, things like sand traps, fairways, greens, and other course features are built, but they are essentially placed where the land is willing to accept them. A great slogan for a golf course south of me is "Great courses are not built - they are discovered." No one discovers a tennis court.

Could I go on? Probably. But what is most important is this - golf is a sport that anyone can play, but no one can every truly master. The enjoyment and beauty of golf doesn't come from success, but from the experience.

Crazy vs. Eccentric

2006-08-01T08:21:00.000-04:00

The wife and I have clearly established guidelines for when someone is crazy and when someone is eccentric. For instance, when we recently toured the House on the Rock (hey, if you're in Wisconsin take a day and see it at least once,) we realized that the founder/builder of the House on the Rock was someone that truly was evidence of the fine art of deciding whether someone is crazy or eccentric.
Essentially, the House on the Rock (HOTR) is a cramped little home built on a state park worthy rock sticking hundreds of feet up in Wisconsin. This is somewhat cool, but what people really remember about HOTR is the enormous collections of...well...crap. Don't get me wrong: some of the pieces are genuinely interesting, such as the massive music machines around the house, but the overall feeling is "garage sale."
Now, due to the fact that our HOTR creator had wealth from his father's businesses, we consider this collector to be "eccentric." Now consider, if he didn't have this money and was just filling rooms up with similar garbage, we'd consider him to be a pack rat at best, but more than likely a little crazy.
I have three cats and a guinea pig. Without question I will end up with another pet within a years time (we're currently averaging a new one every year.) Because the wife and I are in our mid-early twenties, we are "animal lovers," which is a nice way of saying eccentric. However, if we have the same number of animals in our eighties, then we are definitely crazy. See the difference?
Crazy or eccentric is a matter of time and place, a.k.a. perception. If a baseball pitcher doesn't wash his socks and loses repeatedly, he's a little crazy (and stinks.) If he wins 20 games, he's eccentric (and does/will/has played for the Yankees or Red Sox.)
I think the truth is that we're all a little crazy in our own way, and it is only the people that hurt others/themselves that are truly "crazy." So leave Grandma with he ten cats alone...unless she's going crazy.

SOAP

2006-07-31T07:51:00.000-04:00

Why am I determined to see what is likely to be the campiest comedy thriller of the summer? Well, since you asked I'll give you three reasons:
1. B-Movie Quality - essentially, I can only watch so many big summer blockbusters before I have to see something that goes into theaters knowing it won't make $300+ million dollars. Don't get me wrong: I loved Pirates of the Carribean and generally see all the really big blockbusters (unless they involve superheroes,) but sometimes you want to see a movie where you know you'll be one of the few, the proud, the movie going.
B-movie Quality is not a state of production as much as it is a state of audience. No one watches any of the "Evil Dead" movies expecting to be blown away by production values, acting, or writing, but they do expect to have finished watching the movie feeling better than when they started. For me, this is the goal of a B-movie, leave you feeling happy you took 2 hours of your life and put it towards entertainment.
2. They're making it "Better" - because of the incredible internet buzz SOAP has been receiving, the producers decided to go back to the studio and increase all the little things that make non-blockbusters great, violence, nudity, and swearing. I can respect this decision simply because all of the really "bad" movies that I thought were really good did something "over the top" which made them stand out from others. For example: Zoolander took the whole "male models are stupid" aspect and just went crazy with it, but they did it WELL. Kill Bill Volume 1 took violence to a new level (which was promptly topped by Sin City,) but did it with STYLE. 40-Year Old Virgin could possibly have the most swearing of anything in recent memory, but it flows so quickly and does it so NATURALLY that you can't help but laugh.
Do what you have to do to make your movie stand out: just do it like you love doing it.
3. Samuel L. Jackson - I've never, NEVER, seen a movie with Samuel L. Jackson in it that I didn't enjoy. NEVER. He was in Pulp Fiction, that alone built up enough collateral to go see any movie he was in. But seriously, can you name an single Samuel L. Jackson movie where he wasn't great?
I think Dave Chappelle's skit for Sam Jackson beer is what really cemented Samuel L. Jackson in my mind as a pop culture icon (I bet he hates being referred to that way.) Just like Chappelle made Lil Jon a household name, everything Dave did in two seasons became instant classic comedy.
This is Samuel L. Jackson's secret as well: everything he touches becomes instantly better. Do you really think Deep Blue Sea would've made the money it did if not for Jackson? Did you see A Time to Kill because of the nude bongo player? Even SWAT was better because of Jackson (oh yeah, and Michelle Rodriguez is hot! Anytime she needs a D.D., I'm there.) Seriously, IMDB Jackson and be awed by his brilliance!

The Cricket Caper

2006-07-28T07:56:00.000-04:00

My junior year of high school was most notable for the incredible variety of high school pranks my friends and I played on each other. As a general rule, the person that was the subject of the prank was simply chosen because they were not with us when we got bored and were looking for something to do. However, there was the occassional prank that took some planning and thought, and this is one of those instances.
When "Josh," as we'll refer to him for this story, left town for a JROTC camping trip, he unwisely left his car, an early to mid-nineties Ford Taurus, sitting in the high school parking lot. Mistake 1.
"Josh" was a good friend and often the subject of such pranks. His girlfriend at the time occupied most of "Josh's" spare time, which is moderately understandable because "Josh" couldn't keep "Little Josh" in his pants and his girlfriend (let's call her "Kristen") couldn't keep her legs together. They are no longer together, but that story is too long to relate in this section.
Realizing that Josh was going to be gone for and entire week, and that his car was an open target, we decided this call for some serious thought and planning. We called in everyone willing to participate for ideas and planning. Although the ultimate prank would require very few people to carry out - the planning stages are crucial.
A devious underclassman, "Adam," was currently in possession of a car that couldn't run and was sitting idly in his driveway. He claimed he could pick the lock on this car with a coat hanger in under thirty seconds, maybe even less with practice. Before the Cricket Caper went down, I demanded a demonstration (never trust anyone in a prank to pull of a unique skill when the pressure is on.) At "Adam's" house we gathered. A coat hanger was cruely deformed for this necessary evil and the lock picking began. It took less than 15 seconds. "Adam" undersold himself. So with someone who could now gain access to the car interior: it was game on.
The first idea seemed brilliant: cover the floorboards in cat litter and place a barn cat inside. This idea had an extremely high cost to humor ratio, so I made a few calls. When the first farmer I chose answered his phone his response was, "you know these are barn cats, right?"
"Yes, are they that wild?"
"Let me put it this way: do you have gauntlets?"
"Oh...we'll have to discuss it then."
We decided for the cats safety and our own that maybe that wasn't the best idea. Back to the drawing board.
Here is the thought process: we like the animal idea, we should go to a pet store, the pet store will give us more ideas, maybe a lizard?
While choosing the reptile (the cheapest but largest one we could afford) everyone realized that two of our friends were standing near the checkout counter, staring at a plastic box. You could see their eyes glow when they realized what they had stumbled upon: Crickets. Cheap and by the dozen.
Everytime I tell this story the number of crickets we purchased grows larger. Last time I told it I said we bought over 1,000 crickets. In reality, it was probably between 150-200. It was still enough crickets to fascinate a crowd of 1st grade boys, and terrify an entire class of 3rd grade girls.
When we arrived at the scene of the crime, there were dozens of parents waiting to pick up their returning children. The JROTC wasn't back yet, however, so we had plenty of time. "Adam" walked straight to "Josh's" car, inserted the wire hanger (see, they're good for something) and had the lock picked in under 20 seconds. Parents everywhere were staring at us, trying to decide what was going on.
The crickets followed quickly, and immediately scattered throughout the car. The lizard was the final touch. He must have thought he died and promptly proceeded to lizard heaven. Forget 72 virgins, he had 150 crickets.
We casually locked the door and walked away, confidently returning the stares, horrified gazes, and snickers from the adults crowd. The had just realized what we had done.
Later, "Josh" let us in on the aftermath. Upon his return, he got in his car and drove to a secluded area with "Kristen." As they got into the position, the suddenly realized the floor was moving. It was so bad even SHE wasn't going to have sex then. In retrospect, I think Josh was most mad that he missed out on sex. Of course, he was also mad that he spent the remainder of his evening vacuuming crickets from his car. Days later, they were still climbing out from little creases in his seats. He alledges to this day that they chewed a hole in the floorboard, attempting to escape (we blame rust.) Luckily, the lizard was returned unharmed, where it would live out his days constantly waiting to return to that giant smorgasboard in the sky...

Matzah Ball Soup

2006-07-27T07:55:00.000-04:00

I don't recall seeing Matzah Ball Soup mix, or even being aware of the existence of matzah balls, until sometime when I was in college. My wife (girlfriend at that time) and I were doing our normal grocery shopping when I noticed the nondescript soup mix box in the "ethnic" section of the big-box supermarket we were shopping at. Although my curiousity was piqued, I chose to continue past the mix, hardly giving it a second thought. I could probably post a whole section of this blog on foods I wish I've tried, but that is not today's post.
No, today I was following my normal wake-up routine and listening to "Mike and Mike in the Morning" on ESPN 2 and the radio. I believe Mike and Mike is the most popular show in sports radio, but that is like being the most popular motocross racer: the audience is limited.
Regardless, Mike Greenberg is a nerdy/effeminate Jewish sports journalist who graduated from Northwestern. Mike Golic is a former Philadelphia Eagles football player, as well as a former Notre Dame football standout (as were his brothers.) They are hilariously different, but that is why the show is fun to listen to.
Last week, Mike Golic commented that he had never tried matzah ball soup, and Mike Greenberg was SHOCKED that someone could have never tried matzah ball soup. So today "Greeny," as Golic refers to Mike Greenberg, had one of their producers (a lovely Jewish girl) make and bring in matzah ball soup. Golic was less than impressed with the matzah ball and Greeny seemed genuinely offended that someone could not like a lump of unleavened bread cooked in chicken broth (yes, that is pretty much all it is.)
I got to thinking: how odd is it for someone to have not tried matzah ball soup? My mother was pretty good at introducing me to a variety of foods in my youth, and so I feel that I've got a pretty good base knowledge of different cuisines, but does this even compare to the knowledge someone in New York city has, due to their constant exposure to other cultures? Do they still reach for the same 20-30 items every week that end up in my grocery cart? Am I missing out on something?
Even now that I'm writing this, I still probably won't ever try matzah ball soup. Stay tuned for updates on this breaking news...

Gonzo .45

2006-07-26T08:16:00.000-04:00

I think the world would be a better place if there was a Gonzo packing on every street corner. Seriously. Would you mess with a muppet that you knew was carrying?

Paris on my mind

2006-07-25T18:24:00.000-04:00

Have you seen the new Paris Hilton music video (music, I use that term loosely)? It reminds me of Chris Isaaks "Wicked Game" video. Except Paris is no Helena Christensen...or Chris Isaak for that matter. I need to get the wife to stop watching VH1 in the morning so I'm not subjected to this nonsense. Although it terrifies me, like most Americans, that Paris is an idol for our youth, I think I am more afraid of the fact that WE the American public ever allowed her to reach this celeb-BRAT-ty status. Damn you Page 6!!!